it was quite an awakening to return to school tonight for our first in a series of open house nights. not necessarily a rude awakening, but definitely an awakening. i've got to flip the switch to turn back into an elementary school teacher and even after two years that still feels a little weird.

there is a distinct difference between primary and secondary school teachers. there is a significant percentage of apple- motif, denim-romper and seasonal-sweater aficionados in the elementary arena, and high school teachers are more foul-mouthed, sarcastic, crude, and funny - in the best possible ways. working with colleagues like this at BTL this summer i realize that i really miss that atmosphere. most elementary school teachers almost seem a little too good somehow. good is great but i'm no fucking pollyanna, you know?

but i so love the little-littles. tonight was the open house for pre-K, K, and 1st grade, and there was so much excitement, so many wide eyes, and some tears. it all manages to make my heart get all mushy. when i can hold the hand of a sobbing 5 year old and reassure him that a test ride on the big yellow bus is not scary and actually could be a lot of fun, and he squirrels his grubby little hand into mine with complete trust and faith that i am telling the truth - damn, it's nothing short of amazing.

i had a complete meltdown last thursday.

i get to work early.  like, really early - almost an hour before we are required to be at school.  i hate getting up when it's dark-ish outside, but have realized i can get an awful lot done in 45 minutes of child and colleague-free time in my classroom before the day truly begins.  i'm usually the first one at school, save the custodial and cafeteria staff, who are already humming along as i arrive, travel mug of motivation glued to my hand.

imagine my surprise when my principal rolls into my room just a few minutes after my arrival.   the main office isn't usually even open when i get there.  she sits down in front of my desk and without much fanfare announces that in the decision has been made that i will be the reading teacher who will have to be transferred next year.

yeah, that's the sound of the ax dropping, on my leopard-lanyard-wearing neck.

i've come a helluva long way in a week.  i cried so fucking much that day.  which was terrible for obvious reasons but also especially terrible because who wants to cry in a building of 347 impressionable little munchkins they love?   i so resent the timing - i don't know what kind of good management style is represented by the early bird news delivery.  i resent the timing even more, of my principal returning to my room a mere hour after the bomb-dropping to ask me to come to the office to meet with the principal of the new school, the one i'd listed as my if-i-have-to choice on my intent form back in january when this mess was announced.   now i don't know about you, but puffy-faced and tear-stained with no advance notice is not how i'd choose to make a first impression on potential employers.

i guess he saw the potential for something under my sniffling,  bewildered exterior, because  he did, in fact, offer me a job at the end of the meeting.  and so in the span of an hour and a half i lost one job and gained another.

i'm trying to focus on the positive - a brand-spanking-new school that i will help open, hopefully the ability to outfit a classroom from scratch with generous financial means, state-of-the-art technology in every single classroom, administration i will seemingly like and -gasp!- respect . . . there is a lot to look forward to.

we all know how well i deal with change, right?

i'm really fascinated in watching the progress of this charter school in nyc. they have put together an amazing financial model in which starting teachers' salary is $125,000 - about 2 1/2 times the national average. pretty incredible, and even more so when you investigate that they are managing this without any private funding and by cutting down on administrative positions and starting principals at salaries significantly less than teachers. the nyt has an interesting article. i'll be anxious to see how this pans out.

happy aught eight!

the new year brought with it an unexpected staff meeting with the county superintendent. it seems that in creating the student body for a new school being created in the county, our children -and thus our faculty- is to be reduced by 1/3 in the upcoming school year. we are strongly encouraged to submit preferences forms so that when the regrouping occurs, displaced teachers may have an iota of input as to where they will end up.

the meeting created an inevitable pit in my stomach that shall last, no doubt, the 6-8 weeks it will take for said changes to be announced. when i moved from brooklyn and signed my contract with the county, none of this was mentioned. and i find myself wanting to throw and tantrum, stamping my foot and announcing that idon'twanna move, idon'twanna change, idon'twanna be the new person anywhere again.

my first choice would be to remain at my school. i'm not sure of the likelihood of this possibility. of the kids potentially affected by the redistricting, the majority of them are the students who receive title I and similar services. my school would no longer need 3 reading specialists and an aide. i am the low lady on the totem pole, but also have firmly planted myself as an important member of our environment through extra roles like SCA sponsor and staff photographer. i'm not sure how i would weigh in vs a more senior staff member.

and part of me wonders, if 1/3 of the staff goes, what will my school become, and will i even want to be there? if my closest 4 or 5 friends go, is it worth staying?

my 2nd preference, i think, would be to go to the new school. there is defintely a lot to be said for working in a new building; i've never worked in a school without faults related to the building's age. to me there is also something desirable about being part of a group of people who are starting something together, building and establishing something rather than entering a new environment already firmly created. i'd rather be one of a bunch of newbies than a newbie on my own.

and ultimately i'm sure everything will be fine, and i'll adapt, and things will settle. i do know and believe that. but hanging in the uncertainty causes me to fret continually. i've worked hard to make this school into my home, and my sense of loyalty and attachment are pretty big.

so i don't usually do this, but then, i never get these from anywhere other than petunia. so i'll indulge.

april tagged me with a 'say 7 secrets' meme. now, as i said, i don't usually do these things. but i believe april made 2 faulty assumptions here, one building on the other.

the first is that i would see that she had tagged. because other than mentioning it in her post, she didn't give me a heads-up. fine, fine. though i have blogs by friends who i dont read regularly, so i dont think its clear-cut that i would see this.

but the second is the reason i might not have caught it. because april has not told me she is writing online again. i only found out i had been tagged when i noticed some traffic from her site and wondered what the hey was going on. nice one, april. you were in my feeds, but i had shifted folders around and hadn't seen your latest wave of writing. oops.

but here we are, so let's see what seven secrets i can whip out for you that aren't totally obscene, freaky or depressing.

1. i have recently figured out that my job, and indeed, my life, requires a fair amount of control. by me. i think it has to do partly with being sick and lack of control that inflicted upon me.
2. i hate that the skin on my face is fucked up but am loathe to take too much medicine to try to help it. additionally, it got worse after being sick, for whatever reason. every doctor i have ever spoken to about it has refused to believe me that they are related.
3. i had a 20 second crush a few minutes ago as i got on the train. sadly, she sat elsewhere in the train and i will probably never see her again. especially since i'm riding a train that is an hour later than my usual one.
4. though i make myself sick with anxiety in trying to decide if roxy is the right girl for me, i'm also fairly positive i will marry her. though this just increases my anxiety because 'what if she isn't right for me…and i end up with her anyway?' the logic is circular and like every other relationship i have ever been in, i commit myself so totally that i feel completely trapped before there is even any notion of a future.
5. i am listening to 'no more tears' by ozzy right now. and you know? it fucking rules. in fact, i'm going to have to listen to it a second time.
6. ok, that doesn't count as 5, because it really isn't a secret. and this doesn't count as 6 either.
5. i am planning on a large amount of creative output in the next 6 to 8 months. writing, books, animation, drawings, videos and dvds are all on the plate. i'll post as things firm up.
6. i'm terrified of rachael moving for grad school and having to make the decision to move with her or not. this is not so secretly referred to as 'the talk we aren't allowed to have yet.' coupled with secret #4, i believe i have an unwise amount of anxiety about my relationship with her. this too only causes more anxiety.
7. i have, not so tastefully, suggested recently to roxy that we get a girlfriend. and explained the notion by saying it would be like 'getting a dog that talks. and that we could dump.' if you find this to be not so surprising, i would like to say i was at least 33% joking. this, again, may or may not be a secret. but it is somewhat horrible to be admitting publicly. so it stays.

i'm not as high strung as i sound by these; i actually just tried really hard to admit things i don't usually admit. at least in writing, publicly.

plus, ive posted (and will post again tomorrow) so much silliness, i thought i would be serious again for a moment.

and now i think i get to tag 7 people with it.

petunia, aubrey, roxy, madame levy, kurt, lisa, ray and hima (8, because i think hima will rebel. but still, i want to see what she does.)

edit: well fuck. re-reading the meme rules, it's facts, not secrets. so i just said a bunch of personal stuff for no real reason. well, secrets are more interesting than facts, so i'm changing the rules a bit. that's right. secrets it is. if i'm going down, i'm taking you with me. die fish devil!*

* quote from ben in 'mask of evil.' it rolled off my tongue. or something.

it isn't a secret that i have been up and down about almost every aspect of my life the past month or two. my mood swings have been frustrating, as i swing from happy to depressed at the touch of a button. a couple of sentences, seeing someone, just thinking to much and — bam — i'm camping for a bit in depress-o land.

it isn't much fun there. i feel anxiety about feeling anxiety.

i've trapped myself. and every remedy i have discovered so far has only been a temporary fix; i am not willing to hop from one to another without tackling the root issues. good weekends have helped, but i can't and won't live for the weekend.

so i have been left to focus and concentrate, trying to repair and build upon my relationship with roxy, trying to find joy in my job (which isn't joyless, i just have had trouble truly finding my footing there), trying to complete projects and feel excited by them.

part of the up and down, i think, has come from further realizations about life. i spend time organizing my mp3s. and then wonder 'why am i doing this?' no one cares but me. i remind myself that it doesn't matter. but then, when i get down to it, not much will outlive me. not much will be with me the rest of my life.

see? i can drag this down to a base level of 'nothing in life has a point, other than living in the moment…' which immediately begs the question of why i go to work every day. its a cycle and not one i want to encourage my head to try and dwell upon.

(i'm listening to 'this means war' by busta rhymes. which appears to be 'iron man' with a rap over it.)

yeah, so. i figure that i've got this infrastructure, this site, where i can dump personal thoughts and feelings. so instead of links and silly comments, i ought to continue returning back to using this as a diary.

(the guy next to me on the train just had his red pen explode on his hand. suxors to him. also, this busta rhymes song isn't very good.)

how is your tuesday?

now this is what i am talking about.

(i was looking for proofreading ads on craigslist and this got returned in a search.)

it makes me smile in some funny, weird, almost interested way.