Awoke to both kids curling up under the covers with me this morning. Who needs coffee, really? That was some bona fide sweetness there. Later in the afternoon, Bekah just curled up in my lap on the couch and we just snuggled. There

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This should go on twitter, but whatevs:
R’s flight down here looks to be snowed in, so the happy reunion that was scheduled for tonight looks like it will be tomorrow instead. Sigh.

I thought this was the kind of thing global warming was supposed to be fixing.

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my world is sufficiently rocked.

after thirteen years without a word exchanged, mike and i are talking again.

yes, that mike.

and it’s as if the world is turned upside down for me.  i’m still me, he’s still him, but we’re the grown-up versions – yet it doesn’t feel like that at all.  it’s like a time warp.  the things that were not good are better – so much better than i ever imagined they could be for him.  he’s like, this amazing grown-up version of the person i used to know, and used to love.

and i don’t know what any of this means.

thirteen fucking years.  we were children.  so how could there even be anything there now?  thirteen years ago i was a black-haired wannabe wild child with an attitude about everything and a fuckload of resentment for things i couldn’t name. i laugh at the me i was then.   so why does it feel like coming home to talk to the yin to my yang during those times, when i am not the yang i once thought i was?

i feel drunk, but have not had a drop to drink.    eeeeeek.

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After swimming today, Reed’s in the shower next to mine, humming.

I love that.

It’s one of those things that let you know a child has a song in his heart.

It is also one of those things that makes you wonder where, as an adult, your song has gone. I think I need to start listening closer.

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The sun is rising
But my eyes are still shut tight
Small fingers wake me

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and here i am.  i’m still alive, and i guess i am okay, but  my world has shifted.  i’m alone, in this house, by myself.  the family i thought i created over the last three years is gone.  what do i do next?  i already feel lonely, and sad.  i guess that will get better with time.   even with the dogs -thank god for my dogs!- the house is so quiet, too quiet,  and empty.  i feel like a hermit.  i’m scared that there will be days that go by that i don’t speak to anyone.

i also know that everything is going to be alright.

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I dislike buying Valentine’s Day cards. Anniversary cards, too, for that matter. It isn’t that I don’t think the occasions warrant celebration. Quite the opposite, in fact. Indeed, how could some schmaltzy copy writer convey the depth and breadth of my emotion and love, particularly in a quippy 4 x 6 card?

For example, on this past Valentine’s Day, I was out on my bike training in the insufferable cold and wind. It was a single degree above freezing, parts of me were freeezing, other parts of me were working so hard I was sweating. I just wanted to be done and warm. At the end of the ride, I pull up into the garage, hobble into the kitchen and what do I find? A pot of hot soup simmering on the stove, made by my beloved.

How are you going to capture that kind of awesomeness in a card?

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