I stopped posting on here about watching movies weekly, but it doesn’t mean I stopped watching things. In fact, the entire thing has evolved into a weekly double-feature with friends.

The first week was Crank and Crank 2. b and c-, respectively. The first one is almost worth watching, if you need a stupid, trendy, low-brow action movie. The second one hurt.

Last week was I’m Gonna Get You Sucka and Big Trouble in Little China. c and b-, respectively. Both are well past their sell-by dates, one more than the other.

Last night was The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. b+ for both of them. Both of these are fun films, for very different reasons. And out of the six movies, they are the ones I would most recommend.

Next week — High Noon and A Man Called Sledge.

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viceland mocks Criterion for having Michael Bay movies in their collection. Yes, yes, welcome to 2002, everyone. We all know there are some turns buried in the collection. But the write-up about Wes Anderson is about as dead-on as it gets, for me:

Wes Anderson doesn

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Tags: movies, reviews

This is old, but the fascination of myself and John with Friday the 13th continues. He sent this to me yesterday; I’m passing it on as a Halloween treat. The A.V. Club does a year-by-year with Friday The 13th

Sadly, because it’s old, it doesn’t include the newer film — but I’ll go so far as to say (again) see the new one and then part 10. Done and done.

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I saw Paranormal Activity late in the day today because 1. Rachael was in class and 2. because I thought it was still only playing in a few select cities. (2. turns out to be totally false.)

How was it, you might ask?

Actually, firstly, you might ask ‘what is it?’
It’s a teeny tiny film made for 11k in a week in 2007 that Paramount/Spielberg bought (to remake) and have since decided to screen and show. It’s a horror film ala Blair Witch. The trailers for it are on the official site, but youtube, apple and all have them too.

OK, so it’s a freaky ‘demonic poltergeist/possession/haunted house’ movie. And how is it?

Well, considering the hype, considering April texted me last week saying it made her cry it was so scary, I expected big things. And it turned out to be good, not great. Well worth seeing, but not as freaky as I expected.

And I really don’t want to ruin anything, simply because it’s a pretty basic movie, plot-wise. So saying much would totally color your fun.

Worth seeing, even in the theater — which is high praise coming from me. A solid ‘B’ mainly because it reminded me just a little bit too much of the aforementioned Blair Witch…without offering too much new in the scares department.*

Just see it.

* Please note I’d say there are some exceptions to this. But no, I’m not going to say what they might be.

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This is a movie I might have written, at some point in a parallel timestream: a British art student, who is completely fascinated with the female form, develops insomnia after breaking up with his girlfriend, gets a job in a supermarket, discovers he can stop time and falls for a girl who works there.

It’s a complete piece of shit and I would thank my alternate self to never ever make something like this.

Firstly (and most importantly): it totally and unabashadely rips off Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata. Which, fine ok, they can’t seem to make it into a movie which is a bummer, but holyfuckingshit, you aren’t allowed to take the basic premise and slap your own shitty movie on top of it as some sort of loser tribute. You aren’t Dan Brown, ok? I didn’t watch your movie so you could repeat Baker’s book back to me without all the cool shit. So you’re an art student who freezes time to take off women’s clothes to draw them. Oh, that’s much different than The Fermata, where he freezes time to take off women’s clothes to look at them. Asshat. (I realize this could be viewed as “coincidence.” But it isn’t. Watch the climax of the movie, realize he talks about bringing her into the frozen world, that he sits there for days, again between seconds and then go back and read the end of The Fermata. It’s a rip-off, plain and simple.)

Secondly, I am coming to the belief that there is a strain of man that loves women so earnestly and honestly that it pains them. Ok, fine. My rule is that you’re allowed exactly one (1) creative work telling the world how much you love the female species. This was yours. If you ever make something like this again, you deserve the label ‘no talent assclown’ and should be boycotted from creative works forever. This whole “women captivate me” thing is farm leagues and lazy. How do I know? Been there, done that. You used your free pass.

Thirdly, your movie doesn’t have to be every single little thing you’ve ever thought. I realize that every little bit I described up there in the first paragraph doesn’t actually make much of a movie. You know what else doesn’t work? Cramming 4 different plots and moods into 1 film just because you can’t come up with a compelling plot. Heartbreak? Ok. Working night shifts in a grocery? Fine. Stopping time? Uh. And then a movie about how you have always loved women? Get the fuck out of here.

I actually stopped this movie about 15 minutes before it was over. I don’t know that I’ll finish it, which, for me, is unusual. You know the crap I will watch (see: the film club stuff. Also: the Halloween movies, Barbarella [more than once], Transformers, Battlefield Earth). And this? This was an hour and a half of uninspired (or perhaps, maybe, overly inspired) drivial.

d-

It’s also currently streaming on Netflix, in case you feel like hating on on a badly written movie.

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I had an amazingly fun and productive weekend: cleaning, reorganizing, seeing Mike’s band (Circumvolve) play in SJ, watching some BSG (season 2!), reading, sleeping, drinking and watching Revenge of the Nerds.

I’m going to start some sort of movie club through here. Here’s what I’m thinking: on Friday, I’ll announce a movie and on the following Wednesday, I’ll watch it. And post a review. That’s it. So, of course, you’re welcome to watch it with me and/or leave comments. I’m not interested in reviewing movies you’ve seen before, so it’s certainly going to be more on the weirder, lesser known ones. I figure this schedule gives you time to arrange your Netflix queue and decide whether you want to see the film. So this Friday I’ll announce the first one.

I’ll also take requests.

I can say that Revenge of the Nerds was everything I recalled it being. No movie, other than Ferris Bueller, impacted me more as a kid. That’s sad. But it’s the truth.

Rachael and Kurt had never seen it; I believe they enjoyed it. Rachael did point out that every action taken by the nerds was morally questionable: installing cameras in the sorority house, Louis seducing Betty (while wearing her boyfriend’s mask, so that she didn’t realize it wasn’t her bf), selling pies with Betty’s naked torso on them and who knows what else.

The movie is offensive and absurd and I love it still. I can’t rate it on any sort of a real scale, so I’m going to say it’s an ‘a’ movie as long as you have 3 beers and good friends.

Also, how did watching this movie become the highlight of my weekend? There were so many other great things: Circumvolve was really good, especially. They played for 30 minutes and the band is a drummer and a bassist. And it’s far better than you would think, based on that 5 word description. Plus, it’s Mike!

I also went to Target and bought “SpaceBags” which are giant ziplocs that you stuff fabric items into and then vacuum the air out of. Creepy and silly, but it saved us space with a comforter.

And this, right here, is why I never talk about my life anymore.

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Holymotherfuckingshit. I’m going to go see this movie.

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