there is a weird sound coming from upstairs. its somewhere between man-peeing and an airplane.

so. new city, new apartment. no best friend to share it with. those first two things aren't bad. that last one really stinks, especially since from what i've seen so far, he'd like it. my day has reminded me a bit of when we first started dating, and everything i saw i evaluated from my own perspective, then thought about what he might think.

the city really has been pretty idyllic. i didn't get hassled at all walking around. the sun was shining. i put some good things out there- telling a professorial gentleman that his headphones were dragging out of his pocket and on the ground, offering (and following through with) taking a picture for a woman, a self portrait of her on a bench with flowers in the background. i was stopped by random strangers who asked if they could help me find anything when it was clear i was looking at address numbers. everyone i interacted with was friendly. even the cable installer guys were super nice. yesterday a random girl walking by held the apartment door open for me while i hauled in my bags.

i found a bed. there will be only two nights of floor bed. my internet is working. my phone will be when i go out and buy one. i have food in my fridge and freezer. things are coming together.

tears keep coming out of nowhere, but not for very long at a time- and this is the worst it should be, i hope. i hate adjusting to changes, but i'm here, and i'd better make the most of it.

This is what it is like to be busy; this is how you have no time:

Thursday-Saturday, we were in Seattle for Ben's wedding. Pictures will follow, but the wedding was fun, though it seemed I got the surprise of having to help set-up and break down everything. That was the groomsmen's job. Saturday was spent with Chris Davis and Manijeh, wandering around Capitol Hill and then watching the Blue Angels perform while sitting on the roof of his friends' house. Random, but a lot of fun.

Yesterday, R started packing, so I took the time to finally do a tiny bit of home improvement — I bought fabric for our dining room chairs and recovered them, bought a little throw rug and hung curtains in the den*. Whew. Oh and repotted some plants. And helped R.

She's going to need a bigger bag.

Everyone also (understandably) wants to see her before she goes — it looks like the entire week is full already, leaving little time to actually get ready. She's going to be a stress-case in no time. I will follow; I imagine this week is going to be pretty turrible.

I'm hanging in, mostly. Everyone's reaction to all of this is pretty much on a spectrum — from 'you'll be fine' to 'wow, that will be tough.' (And for the record — I need far less sympathy and more just that you keep an eye on me in the coming weeks/months. Promising me trips to strip clubs and shady bars will be far more helpful than trying to make me feel better about futures that haven't arrived.) The reality is that I will be a mess and that it is going to be one of the toughest things I've gotten to wallow through. It's ok though; time doesn't stop and a change in circumstance is just a reason to find new ways of being content and happy.

But I'm so proud of R — for getting in, yes, but really for going. For doing something most other people never would consider. It's badass and something I haven't given her full props for until recently. When I moved to LA, I had her around. This is far tougher. It's totally amazing and I've got one more thing to throw back at her when she makes excuses for doing other shit. If you can do this, you can do anything.

And this morning, I realized a bunch of things I'll miss about having her around. Yes, the company, the sex, the goofiness. But shit like zipping up her dress or watching her put on makeup. Or sitting on the sofa and eating dinner while watching Daily Show. Or watching her sleep. It's going to be all these little moments that I won't get to store up anymore. Though I've got several years of them now, so maybe they can tide me over.

Nothing stays the same forever; so all-in-all, this is thrilling. The dress zipping and TV watching will be replaced with something new and different for a little while.

Yet another reason to treasure every moment.

* I'm convinced the apt manager will somehow find a way to fuss over this improvement, though I'm pretty sure she can't actually do anything. Except raise our rent. It's a shame 1. that I don't trust her and 2. that she's such an annoying control freak. I shouldn't be worried about hanging curtains, but I am. (Just as I shouldn't have been concerned about storing a bike on the balcony or a vacuum — for a couple of days — or suggesting a mixer for the complex; she acted like I was totally insane for suggesting that I might want to meet my neighbors.) The curtains make our window look different than everyone else's. Goodness knows that might be taboo.

like ray, i compose posts in my head all the time. i haven't yet found a system for documenting them easily, so most die on the vine. and these days, the time i actually find 'free' are times when i am drained or momentarily free. so let's see how i do with a dump of bits and pieces that have probably piled up:

1. the new underworld album, 'oblivion with bells.' i wasn't in love with it the first time i listened, but it has begun to grow on me some after 5 or 6 listens. i still think the first three tracks make an excellent 20 minutes-ish of listening; the jury is out a little more about the rest.

2. i've moved my ticket to la a bit, so that i can be there in time to attend a screening of cece's movie, 'i'll believe you.' cece and i grew up a couple doors apart from each other; she is out in la writing and acting. she is lead in this movie, shot in '03 and finally seeing a limited theatrical release this weekend.

3. we are moving offices at work tomorrow. this means that today is the last day i will be working in downtown sf proper. monday, i will be reporting at the new office, right by the giants ballpark. one day, i might even work up the energy to tell you what i do for a living these days. needless to say, it involves media and programming. a lot of both.

4. i just saw an owens and minor truck, parked on a road. i'm on the train, rolling up to the city. o&m was the first place i worked out of college, with matthew, on their internet/intranet sites. that's been about 10 years and feels like 4 lifetimes, so it always surprises me when little things like trucks pop up.

5. i took my mac mini in on halloween to get repaired. the consistent kernel panics had turned into the machine failing to boot. when the guy at the genius bar tried to turn it, it wouldn't do a thing. a pretend brick. so they took it to repair. "5 to 7 days." on day 7, i called apple. my motherboard had died. so they had ordered a new one to put in. guess what? that one was defective too. so they had to order another one. and that's why we are on day 9 of the repair.

even better, apple's site says 'repair in progress' and offers no more information. and when i called and got the above info, i was also told that there 'was no eta'. awesome. i look forward to the repair taking forever. i'm unsure at what point i can ask for compensation, nor am i sure what i can actually for. which means i can't really ask for anything. i have no desire to be the guy who tries to get a free copy of leopard or something. (like the guy next to me at the genius bar when i dropped the machine off.)

5. rachael is out of town now. i stayed up until 1 last night, playing videogames. and then screwed up the alarm clock. this i blame on the fact that she is the alarm clock setter of the two of us. i turned it on when i went to bed. sadly, we have 2 alarm clocks and i turned on the one we no longer use. so my alarm was set to go off at midnight, having never been changed from the last time the power went out. i woke up in time, mostly. still, i see another night of not moving from the tv in my immediate future. (for two reasons: 1. i have to wake up early for this flight to la and 2. nick never responded to my email about going to see dmitiri from paris tonight for 10 bucks.)

6. programming time.

we have a house. this is nothing short of amazing to me. we do grownup things like spend $2K on a fence for the yard and have A Mortgage. and i still feel about 22. not that 22 is that far away from 29. but these things that are part of an adult life are a part of my life, and somehow the obviousness of that correlation does not sink all the way into my noggin.

after weeks of packing and then unpacking i can't handle anymore organzing. i'd say about 80% of things are out of boxes and put away, but i have reached an impasse where i simply do not want to do any more at the moment. i sit here in our computer room knowing the entrance hall is cluttered with random plastic totes and shopping bags, a couple things needing to be assembled, and i just can't deal with it right now. i love our house but i want a vacation!

so today so far i have slept in, had some non-breakfast food, joyfully watched the dogs frolic in the yard, checked my gossip websites, and played a few hours of sims 2 pets on wii. and i feel guilty! which is ridiculous. or maybe i just tell myself it is ridiculous to feel less lazy. particularly because i know it is pretty damn lazy, for example, to want to go outside to get the mail but to not do so because it requires putting pants on (flashback to new years: "no pants in 'o7!").

i'm hoping to get to new york next week. i think in 4 days i can approximate getting a fill of the people and things i need to see and do. (er. doing the things, not the, ah, people, to be clear.) it feels bizarre to think i have been away from brooklyn now for the same amount of time that i lived there. my mindframe considering this is melancholy, a little, but not regretful.

when you buy a house, you will write a lot of checks. there will be a realtor, a lender, a closing company. there will be insurance - mortgage, home, hazard, title. there will be warranties. there will be home inspections and appraisals - which are not the same thing. there will be pest inspection, flood insurance reserves, school taxes. there will ve loan origination fees, broker fees, tax-related service fees, processing fees, attorney fees - there will be fees for everything.

you will be expected to learn and understand and grasp and balance all this while working, packing, moving, sleeping, cooking your dinner, making your bed, driving to work, going to weddings, listening to your friends, living your life.

a house-warming party will definitely be in order.

i'll have to show my dentist brother in law (who is coming to visit us this weekend) tripp's post. he just bought into a practice in lynchburg. maybe he should have a special meeting on this topic to make sure all the other dentist's know where to and where not to urinate. tripp…thanks for all the wisdom.

today i am feeling texas. i've been on craigslist houston. there is just so much you can get for so little there. and then i hear that person say exactly, that is because no one in their right mind wants to live there. but i know that isn't true. and parts of me like the idea of houston…even if i hate the idea of bushland. i like the fact that it will be warm most of the year. incredibly hot in the summer…but no freezing cold days in april like we have here in good old virginia. i like that we could own a home. a nice home. one with a natural pool (one of my latest obsessions). i like that we'd be a bit father away and i couldn't run as easily back to virginia and my mom and her needs. that sounds cold…but i need some space from her situation. it is so hard to be with her. i can't even see the healthy, strong, competent woman that raised me. and that kills me. i leave her house after a visit feeling empty. my heart aches and i realize there is nothing i can do to bring her back. but enough of that depressing topic (i feel blue enough…no need to drag anyone down with me) back to why i am feeling houston. i like the idea of really diving into a new place. maybe we'll hate it, but even that will be an adventure. we can always leave. as an aside on houston, at dinner with two guys from the houston firm we got a lesson on the dog races. how to bet. how to win. why they are the best. i sat there with a huge smile on the inside…laughing and wondering where the hell i was to be hearing this sort of talk. but i loved it too…loved being stretched to find some way to relate to this kid (and i mean kid…26 maybe and looking 21 and a lawyer with a few years under his belt) talking about dog racing. loved that he made me laugh. it was a crazy dinner. but in the end i enjoyed it. all that said…in a few hours i may be back to loving the idea of phili of nyc. we will see. decision day is less than a week away.

i have jesus camp on my netflick’s queue too. after watching the trailer i agree with tripp that a few drinks may make the movie easier to take. what a world we live in…did you see that mullet boy preaching. such passion in such a young man. is it real? what makes a child preach like that at his age? why isn't he playing outside? who are these kids? i guess i've been too cooped up in my liberal elite world to meet them. hey and that is another good reason to move to texas.

happy friday all.

for the longest time i felt like i was living life with my eyes on the future. there was a sense of….not the present being ephemeral, but the status-quo being impermanent. it caused me discontent. post mountain view move at some point i began to feel settled- both content and living in the moment. now i'm looking ahead, trying to figure out whats next and feel like i'm torn between the two- i'm fighting to stay in the here and now, but its very difficult to do when i'm trying to figure out where i want to be next.