yesterday, my mother, frustrated with my father, told me how annoyed she was that he never took his cell phone anywhere. she had tried calling him for about an hour with no answer at his work or cell. when she finally got him, he said 'you didn't call me.' she said, 'yes, i did. multiple times. on your cell and at work.' his response?

'oh, my cell phone is in the truck.'

she was pleased at how helpful this was.

now though, now as i sit in the airport at richmond, as i go to empty my pockets at security, as i watch my bags roll through, i realize i still have her car keys with me. for once, they didn't wait to watch me go through. no one will help me, meaning i have to gather my stuff and race in a giant u-turn with the hopes of catching them.

there is no hope and i don't try — i had already stood in line for security and killed a bunch of time.

so i call my dad's cell phone.

don't worry — it is off.
i call my mother's. ring ring ring. voicemail. again. same.
clearly, she left her phone at home.

my pity for her has evaporated, though i do hope she can drive her car while she waits for the keys in the mail.

today is my mom's birthday. was my mom's birthday. whatever. the tense thing is weird. i mean it is her actual birthday, but once you have died, is it still your birthday? strange semantics.

it's hard to put words around the feeling i have today, really the feeling i have had for a week or so leading up to today and to mother's day sunday. it's a kind of emptiness or hollowness, hazy and blurred around the edges. i don't feel like crying all the time, but i am consciously aware of the actual feeling consuming and surrounding me. i kind of walk around in a sad fog.

i really don't know why these special days should be more difficult than any other. it's not like i don't feel the loss every single day. it doesn't seem as though a certain day should make the sadness any more profound, but it does.

sunday i ran around in the morning, going to my weight watchers meeting and then to lunch and shopping with jenny. i'm not sure if she intended to kind of keep me distracted from mother's day, but it worked while we were together. after that i shopped a little on my own, wandered through a flea market, then happened upon a blood drive. i kinda thought that would be a nice thing to do for / in honor of mother's day, so i donated. but then walking back to my apartment in the late afternoon i could feel my emotions start rising to the surface of my consciousness. i walked into my apartment and basically broke down.

a few kind people called me to check in but i didn't really feel like talking. i cried on the phone to todd but don't really want to put him in that position where he has to console me. no one knows how to react and i don't like putting that on anyone. it feels like something i can –or should- deal with on my own.

neither tanja nor my father called me on sunday, and i didn't want to be the one to get in contact – i feel like i always am. tanja emailed to thank me for a little package i had sent, but didn't really say anything about mother's day outside her viewpoint as a mother, herself. i felt disappointed. i don't think i will hear from either of them today, either, and i'm resentful. i place expectations on people constantly, ones i don't think are too high. i don't think i expect anything greater from anyone than i expect from myself.

anything having to do with my mother feels like my achilles heel – my weakness. i can't control tears and emotions when it comes to losing her. i have made a lot of progress in these two and a half years, but sometimes i feel as though things will never be better – just different.

this afternoon i heard my father cry for i think the third time ever. i called to check in and he told me that a family friend who was battling cancer passed away today. it was so strange to hear his voice break, and to know how unemotional he usually is. it was as though we had switched roles. i was calm and level. i don't know if that comes from not being as close to tom as my father was, or feeling as though i should to be the strong one when my dad needed the support. i'm not to used to being the tearless one, but i hope i was good to my father and gave him whatever he needed from me.

i just applied for a credit card. i have not had one in a few years, not since the big intervention my parents had with me in which my 3 cards were chopped up. they paid my cards off and i went onto a payment plan paying them back. i don't need a credit card, but i need to build good/better credit. i feel hesitant to tell my dad about the card i just applied for though, lest he think i am heading down the same financial path of hell that i did in college.

it's been a big week for my relationship with my dad. for the first time in a really long time, i did something -admitted something to him- that he really disapproved of and disappointed him. it made me realize that since my mom died i have been busting my ass to be the perfect daughter, and i didn't even know it. i keep having to remind myself that it's totally normal to have conflict with parents. i certainly had more than my fill of it back in the days of teen angst when i was a nasty little deviless. but i'm not evil like that any longer, so i should be able to handle this, right?

back home at my folks in fairfax, a rockin' friday night in the suburbs. it's nice being back, actually. i like visiting and condensing all the good parts of home and northern virginia into a 48 or 72 hour chunk… anything more than that and i regress and get antsy. my parents -mamacita in particular - fuss so much at me for not spending enough time with them when i do to come home, so on this visit i have made no plans with anyone. i called melissa and justin to let them know i was in town, but that is all. and i will admit that it is somewhat refreshing. all i have done today is relax, read, do a little shopping, and try to prevent gus from getting his invitation here permanently revoked. he's gone a bit mad, really, barking at nothing and spazzing around the house at a furious pace. i'm not sure what that's all about.

i went to barnes and noble tonight, the one i used to work at between college breaks when my beloved doubleday closed. it's very odd to go back there and not recognize a single employee. i don't feel much nostalgia for the place, which is weird for me because for the most part i have loved all the places i have worked. i've realized i am very big on job loyalty. i simply can not work someplace i don't have some kind of dedication to. i am actually a little concerned about this seemingly postive characteristic in terms of my teaching job right now. i accepted the position at NK last august because they were the first place to make an offer, and because i liked the school when i visited. already as a second year teacher i feel a level of comfort i am a bit wary of. i certainly do not want to stay there forever, but the more i do and the more i dedicate myself to the school, the more i wonder what will cause me to leave eventually. i know that does not necessarily seem like a bad thing, but like i have said before that there are about a million and one things i want to do with my life, and i'm worried that one day i will wake up and it will be 50 years later and i will still be where i am now - granted, maybe being the best teacher ever, but not being anything else. i won't be defined by this - i have so much more to give, i worry about fitting it all in sometimes.

my mother and i had a bit of a my-so-called-life moment this evening. i leaned over to get something, and she saw my tatoo, which she has seen before and always assumed to be a temporary one. (i never bothered to correct her.) she asked, "how much longer are you going to leave that thing on?", to which i smiled somewhat sheepishly and she responded, "oh no - is it real?" after i nodded my affirmation she just kind of shook her head and mumbled something about why i always feel to "do things like this". i feel nonplussed. where were the drama, the fireworks, the hysterics? rather than the angsty high school scene i'd anticipated, my mother actually seemed -if reluctantly so- cool.

i've been quietly content recently. i feel very comfortable with myself and almost prefer being alone to anyone else's company. i wonder secretly if i am becoming some sort of elitist hermit. it's very easy to know you are the best there is when there is no one else around to compare yourself to.