my world is sufficiently rocked.

after thirteen years without a word exchanged, mike and i are talking again.

yes, that mike.

and it’s as if the world is turned upside down for me.  i’m still me, he’s still him, but we’re the grown-up versions – yet it doesn’t feel like that at all.  it’s like a time warp.  the things that were not good are better – so much better than i ever imagined they could be for him.  he’s like, this amazing grown-up version of the person i used to know, and used to love.

and i don’t know what any of this means.

thirteen fucking years.  we were children.  so how could there even be anything there now?  thirteen years ago i was a black-haired wannabe wild child with an attitude about everything and a fuckload of resentment for things i couldn’t name. i laugh at the me i was then.   so why does it feel like coming home to talk to the yin to my yang during those times, when i am not the yang i once thought i was?

i feel drunk, but have not had a drop to drink.    eeeeeek.

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and here i am.  i’m still alive, and i guess i am okay, but  my world has shifted.  i’m alone, in this house, by myself.  the family i thought i created over the last three years is gone.  what do i do next?  i already feel lonely, and sad.  i guess that will get better with time.   even with the dogs -thank god for my dogs!- the house is so quiet, too quiet,  and empty.  i feel like a hermit.  i’m scared that there will be days that go by that i don’t speak to anyone.

i also know that everything is going to be alright.

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still stuck in the weird flux of in-between.  does wanting to move forward really make me an asshole?

in the last month i’ve felt like i’ve been finding myself again.  in that though i’ve discovered a great disappointment in myself – where did i go?  where DO i go?  will it always be in my nature to acquiesce, and not realize i am doing it until later?  the bitterness and resentment build up and i don’t realize they’re even there until i feel the acidity of the pit in my stomach clashing with the feeling of freedom and flight i get from doing things that make only me happy.  talk about a mixed bag.

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living together, but not “together” is weird. can’t really imagine what it will be like to be along in the house once todd and zane are gone. at this point it just seems that will happen once todd has scrapped together the funds and found a decent place nearby. i’ve been surprisingly calm, for the most part. maybe it will feel different later. but i’m enjoying kind of refocusing on myself; i hadn’t realized my perspective had become so skewed in the last three years. i’ve been hanging out a lot in an entirely new social circle of girls from school, and it’s been pretty awesome. i’ve been actively pursuing my social life, which sounds weird to say. but i’ve found when in a relationship i don’t necessarily put myself out there for social things. you could call it a comfort zone, a rut, social anxiety… but it happens, and it’s to blame for a lot of those pangs of loss i feel sometimes when alone. i don’t want that feeling anymore.

i feel somehow guilty admitting that there are things i am looking forward to about being on my own again, and having this house to myself.  it seems horrible somehow.  but i recognize that i’m so much more comfortable in my own skin than i once was.  saturday i was initially kind of wondering if i was a loser to be home by myself on a weekend night, but quickly settled into the feeling of aw fuck it, this is what i want to do right now.

although…  i have to admit i went to baskin robbins and bought an ice cream cake that day, too.  and also contemplated going to see “he’s just not that into you.”

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that’s a song i only know from rockband, by the way. and i will probably buy it from iTunes, being a one person example of how smart that game is from about 101 different angles. never really anticipated my musical choices being influenced by songs i have been exposed to only through playing a video game. although, of course, i do love the super mario brothers theme. but maybe not so much that i’d download it for my ipod.

despite the sadness and loneliness and fear and anger and self-loathing that may permeate my being at various times in the midst of this break up, and i am starting to – and i have to – recognizing the good things. like waking up at 4.30 in the morning and having the prerogative to grab my laptop and type without bothering anyone. so that is another change a-comin’ down the pike.

we’re breaking up but still in the house together, at least for the next little while. it’s not unlike just having a roommate, which is peculiar and comforting at the same time. i’ve been wondering that i slid into that role more easily because less of the romantic feeling has been there between us for the last little while…maybe we were really destined to be buddies and not … lovers. (did you throw up a little? i did. i hate that word.)

my resolution to post more is incredibly strong. i see the list of posts – so strong at 1,121 – dwindle over the last year and it hurts my heart to think writing has somehow gotten the shaft and isn’t seemingly high on my list of priorities.

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I suspect that Tripp may already be on a train, in a plane, or riding a bike made in Spain toward LA, as it seems the Portman is now single. Sorry, Roxy. To which I have to add:

Have you seen her in this video?

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todd and i are … strained right now.  it’s really kind of awful and i have a perpetual pit in my stomach, even here, at the beach, on vacation.  the week i was in SF, his grandmother died.  she’d been pretty sick the week and a half before i left and i debated not going.  he wouldn’t hear of it.  as a result, i wasn’t around during what was a really tough time, and i feel bad.  i also think he begrudges me being gone, even though he said there was no way i should stay.  i don’t feel like we are communicating very well and at the beach with parents and a kid and dogs around isn’t the best place for big talks.  

i really need things to balance back out.

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