This is a movie I might have written, at some point in a parallel timestream: a British art student, who is completely fascinated with the female form, develops insomnia after breaking up with his girlfriend, gets a job in a supermarket, discovers he can stop time and falls for a girl who works there.
It’s a complete piece of shit and I would thank my alternate self to never ever make something like this.
Firstly (and most importantly): it totally and unabashadely rips off Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata. Which, fine ok, they can’t seem to make it into a movie which is a bummer, but holyfuckingshit, you aren’t allowed to take the basic premise and slap your own shitty movie on top of it as some sort of loser tribute. You aren’t Dan Brown, ok? I didn’t watch your movie so you could repeat Baker’s book back to me without all the cool shit. So you’re an art student who freezes time to take off women’s clothes to draw them. Oh, that’s much different than The Fermata, where he freezes time to take off women’s clothes to look at them. Asshat. (I realize this could be viewed as “coincidence.” But it isn’t. Watch the climax of the movie, realize he talks about bringing her into the frozen world, that he sits there for days, again between seconds and then go back and read the end of The Fermata. It’s a rip-off, plain and simple.)
Secondly, I am coming to the belief that there is a strain of man that loves women so earnestly and honestly that it pains them. Ok, fine. My rule is that you’re allowed exactly one (1) creative work telling the world how much you love the female species. This was yours. If you ever make something like this again, you deserve the label ‘no talent assclown’ and should be boycotted from creative works forever. This whole “women captivate me” thing is farm leagues and lazy. How do I know? Been there, done that. You used your free pass.
Thirdly, your movie doesn’t have to be every single little thing you’ve ever thought. I realize that every little bit I described up there in the first paragraph doesn’t actually make much of a movie. You know what else doesn’t work? Cramming 4 different plots and moods into 1 film just because you can’t come up with a compelling plot. Heartbreak? Ok. Working night shifts in a grocery? Fine. Stopping time? Uh. And then a movie about how you have always loved women? Get the fuck out of here.
I actually stopped this movie about 15 minutes before it was over. I don’t know that I’ll finish it, which, for me, is unusual. You know the crap I will watch (see: the film club stuff. Also: the Halloween movies, Barbarella [more than once], Transformers, Battlefield Earth). And this? This was an hour and a half of uninspired (or perhaps, maybe, overly inspired) drivial.
d-
It’s also currently streaming on Netflix, in case you feel like hating on on a badly written movie.
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