now i know what it must be like to be emo:

i feel a wistfulness in my soul as i stare at the map of rush hour los angeles traffic. i miss her. somehow, that image reawakens a yearning for the struggle, the time when the search was all that mattered. sure i knew that we were wrong for each other and i cursed her out for her shortcomings, especially the way that she treated the other men. somedays i thought that if i could just find the right path, we would be okay. other days i fought with her all the way home.

nowadays, working from home, i only take the car out a couple times a week. a tank of gas lasts at least a month. the podcasts pile up.

sigh.

of course on the other hand, i can walk over to the fridge right now and grab a beer. oh wait… what's that in my hand right now?

well, here i am, stealing a few minutes at todd's computer. i have moved. i am surrounded by boxes and boxes of my shit and am acutely aware of the fact that i have far too many material possessions. i also need to learn to shake the feeling that i am invading todd's space, and that this is our place. can't help but feel like i would be a lot more territorial if it was my townhouse he was moving into. it's hellacious to look around and see how much work there is to do, but so lovely to be able to nest to my heart's connect. twitter. chirp.

my roommate KT is a huge, huge lame ass.

i just came home from drinks with school friends and have become a bit prematurely nostalgic. it's so weird that some of my closest friends are in their late 30s and 40s. you'd think we wouldn't have things to talk about or lots of overlap, but it's completely the opposite. i could have sat at lucky lounge drinking $4 appletinis and talking for hours and hours more.

i wonder when the next time i have sex will be, and with whom. my sex life seems to be on hiatus - why didn't anyone consult me? i'm too unhappy with my body right now to entertain new suitors i'll feel nervous about, yet i feel most of my old paramours are out of the picture (distance, distaste, inaccessability).

i seriously think i may have lost brain cells watching britney and kevin's reality show on wednesday. and to think i had forsaken house to see it. yuck. i always thought the britney as white trash thing was a bit jokey, but, um, no.

i am a moron. i just X'ed out of the 5 paragraphs i had written so far, for no apparent reason. nothing kills the urge to write than having to rewrite something that inexplicably erased. but i feel as if i have been neglecting posts, so i will grit my teeth.

my slight hiatus has been due primarily to the fact that when i returned from spring break, my computer was completely fucked up. it was looping through the black background windows start screen. the time before this trip when i came home, there was an ant invasion in my house. living alone when i go to NY is looking like a better idea with each day.

i've tired of being the only responsible party in this house, of being forced into the part of mother - a role which i often take on myself and enjoy, but despise when forced upon me by those who have little concept of living in a non-filthy, copacetic household. yesterday i walked into our 'office' room where my computer is to find a used glass and a cereal bowl with an inch of milk still in it sitting on the counter next to my computer. i wonder if living in this sloth has got me scared straight; i have become a cleaning maniac (alas, everywhere except my bedroom).

my reality tv dependence is growing vast and scary. i cried when i watched 'america's top model' tonight and i can't stop staring at constantine on 'american idol', whom i find hideous (mostly in personality, a bit in looks and infinitely in stage presence) yet strangely compelling.

i have another sinus infection. antibiotics are my friend. no, wait. probiotic acidophilus in conjunction with antibiotics are my friend. probiotics are supplements you can take when on antibiotics to prevent yeast infections. you can also eat a lot of yogurt, but i have always been a big fan of pills, so i find it easier to pop one of these little yogurt-covered-raisin-looking bad boys to prevent the yeasty beastie. oh! that just made me rememeber that my friend's sister (anonymity to protected the poor thing) once was told to spoon original unflavored yogurt into her coochie to help with a yeast infection.

wow. what a mental picture, eh? that might be quite the yuckiest thing i can think of, and the more i consider it, possibly a cruel and illegal joke played on the girl by her physican. shudder.

i am in a gift-giving frenzy. i honestly think this might me the activity that gives me the most joy in life. i stopped by target on the way home from school to pick up something for the parents that chaperoned our yearbook NY trip, and was thrilled to find the perfect thing, in their dollar section even. they are little white photo albums that hold 36 pics, that slip into a black cover with a city skyline cut out. i got one for each chaperone, then came home and printed out a picture of the whole group on the street in the city in front of NBC and i just love it all.

i also stopped to get these cute pink and yellow pails for eastery gifts for my school friends, with bath gel and marabou pens and cutesy things. there is something so inherently pleasing about handing out presents. i actually stockpile gitts in advance for people; tripp's birthday package (actual birthday still about a month away) has been in the making for at least 3 months now. although, to be entirely truthful, i usually lack the patience to wait for An Occasion and give Just Because. i used to have a drawer full of stuff, but now my booty (er) has taken over my closet. i was starting to think maybe i had a problem, but then i found out that my friend tracey at school has a whole gift room. i aspire to have this myself one day.

i had to leave a mean note for my roommates when i came home today. well, mostly for one roommate. in being home, sick as a dog for the past 3 days, i have still completed what i find to be rudimentary tasks like taking out the trash, etc. these are things one of my roommates seems to have great difficulty with. today when i came from school, there was a dirty plate, crumpled napkin, and greasy takeout container on the kitchen table, accompanied by three large tupperware containers of leftover food sitting on the counter next to the sink, where they had been taking root for approximately the last 18 hours. super double gross out.

i worry that the oxymoronic nature of my cleanliness is merely a mask for some kind of superiority complex.

i can finally drink orange gatorade without tearing up as the citric acid hits my raw throat. hurrah for small victories!

so it seems that my grandmother has probably had a mild stroke, and that's what's responsible for her sudden difficulty in movement. it has been hard for me to handle this news a little, because my grandparents -grandma in specific- is known for being somewhat of a grumbler. i was especially sensitive about this when my mom was sick and i had to hear my grandmother griping about how excrutiating her daily aches and pains were when my mother wasn't saying a word as she went through chemo and countless other horrible cancer treatments. so now it is a bit like the boy who cried wolf in she genuinely has had something bad befall her, but it's hard not to think of her as exaggerating. this, of course, makes me feel awful.

john's friend andy is about one yard away from me on the other side of the wall talking to someone on his two-way and it may be THE most annoying thing ever. do people honestly believe that others are interested in hearing every word they're saying? and what's wrong with using a phone?

(wait, what was i just saying about whiners?)

john and kt, my other roommate, do not speak. this stems from an incident at least 5 months old, in which one of john's friend's -the afore-referenced 2-way talker, actually- was over here and wasted. he and john were in john's room, and andy was scared to come downstairs to the bathroom in the middle of the night because he thought gus would eat him. so he definitely peed into a cup in john's room, and then put the cup across the hall in what he thought was a spare room, which was in fact kt's bedroom.

kt woke up in the morning understandably upset, having found a strange cup of urine in her room. when she asked john about it, his non-appropriate response was to laugh. he did tell andy, though, who explained his mistake and apologized profusely. however, kt and john have not spoken since this incident. and in my opinion, it has gotten to the point of utter ludicrousness. kt is angry that john never apologized to her and thought that the whole thing was funny, and she stopped speaking to him. john, being excessively passive, didn't really care. and now it is like 5 months later and they pass each other in the house and don't say a word.

this shit is wearing me down. i'm not directly involved, of course, but being the middle man in between two other people is this constant subconscious stressor. i want to tell them both to snap the fuck out of it and behave with some semblance of being adult, but at the same time am unwilling to step further into this battle of stubborn stupidity.