a post is long overdue. i've travelled a decent distance from my sad haze of the week, and it's important for me to put that out there. i don't want to present an entirely skewed vision of me or my life by posting primarily when things are not going peachy-keen.

i'm in VA for yet another weekend, ostensibly for justin and dre's wedding but also, of course, to see todd. i am constantly obsessing over this relationship and realizing how hard it is for me to simply just go with it. he makes me feel so secure and happy and i have more fun with him than anyone else, so i know it's not completely illogical that i want to spend as much time with him as i can, but i am constantly scared at the same time to allowing myself to get comfortable, lest it all just disappear. it's a shitty mindframe to have and i want so badly to work on it. sometimes emotionally i really feel like complete damaged goods.

the wedding was really quite lovely and of course worth none of my pre-event fretting. the weird high school reunion anxiety disappeared after a couple of the best mojitos i have ever tasted, and it was a really nice time. with time though and a few more mojitos, being surrounded by all this coupleStuff i got moony and eventually found myself in mingo flying back down I-95 to richmond to spend another night with todd. completely not my plan, completely not necessary as i had just spent 16 hours with him that day and the night before, but completely something i could not not do once i got the idea in my head.

are relationships always so scary, or is this just me and my post-losing-mom issues?

i don't want to only post about my relationship stuff, either. i know i do too much of that and i fear i'm just not as interesting to read as i once was. tripp recently said i am more boring now tht i don't talk about hooking up and sex and whatnot any longer, but i am certainly not going to post about that with todd (other than to say i am very satisfied and it is quite lovely). i guess i could write more about physical things when they didn't … matter. or when they weren't part of something important. does that make sense?

in theory, my self-aborption should decrease proportionally to the number of hours i will be at work now that i have accepted a job part-time at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood. also thinking number of interesting stories should conversely rise proportionately. but of course, math is not really my thing, is it?

The little girl is still breech. The doctor has scheduled the c-section for next week and it is all becoming so shockingly real.

With Amy traveling, it was always a sort of surprise every week when she got home. I'd turn around and see her coming in the door and my mind would say "Whoa! She's pregnant!" When she was pregnant with Reed, I got to see her each day and be a part of the growth.

Incrementally.

This time around, it's been like a six-week pregnancy—from the time Amy stopped traveling in early April to next week.

And I'm admittedly a bit freaked. I've been running around getting all the plants in the ground, painting rooms (and rooms, and rooms), fixing this, working on that. Not to mention that at some point in the near future, we're supposed to be getting a new roof and new siding—which I'd really hoped would be BEFORE the baby got here. Days and days of hammering doesn't make for a great baby-friendly environment.

A part of me (an ever increasing part-ahem) just wants to drink coke and eat brownies and ice cream until I enter a giddy state of sugar-induced euphoria.

Would that be so wrong?

some of the anxiety i experienced when i first moved here returned over the past week. i'm not sure how to describe this kind of apprehension, what makes it different from everyday stress. it's this feeling in my stomach that tripp and i used to call 'the pit', where i feel just a couple steps from losing it. having actually lost it a bit when i moved now gives my anxiety another dimension - almost a meta-anxiety in which i stress about my stress getting to that point.

the social worker i have been seeing, who is nothing short of a godsend, made an interesting distinction to me a couple weeks ago that i keep thinking about. he explained the fact that depression is an all-around kind of an emotion where anxiety is more specific in that it is stress about what is to come. so now when i feel anxious i feel the need to try to pinpoint exactly what it is that i am anticipating. i'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly it is that i am afriad of.

i haven't to post about tripp, because it just makes me more anxious and nervous. i haven't wanted to post about other things, because i feel like that trivializes this boulder of worry in my tummy.

i wonder how many other people on the site are completely sweating the tripp situation right now and feeling as helpless as i do. mama millican, with good intentions, helped me make it more agonizing by making me realize i can watch a video stream of my pal in pain. helplessness is a special kind of awful.

cree has voluntarily gone back to iraq, and i find myself searching for division numbers, heart racing as i comb through articles like this one. it's sickening.

i woke up around 1.30 this morning because a speeding car crashed into the building next to mine.
the first sound was the smash of two vehicles colliding, and the second a sickening thud as one car richocheted
through the intersection into the warehouse. looking back, i knew somehow what had happened. i grabbed
my dog, my keys, and my phone, on which i dialed 911 as i flew down the stairs and out of my building. by the time i
finished giving the dispatcher the limited information i had, i could hear sirens approaching. neighbors, hookers, and
various other creatures of the night flooded the street to help and gawk. police, ambulances, and fire engines showed
up immediately, and i felt relieved that whatever my part in this was was over. (selfish?) the part of the car that had taken
the impact was where the driver must have been. i am not sure if the person survived, and i could not stay to find out.
i couldn't help but think of marc - his accident was 2 weeks ago tonight. i felt sick and went home.