This being my second year on this job, it's becoming more and more easy to notice trends. Last October as well as this one, I was feeling pretty miserable and pointless. It's a time when my colleagues and students are so busy and preoccupied with preparing for school festivals that the help I can offer never seems to be worth the extra time it takes to explain things to me (in English or Japanese, sadly). And though I've gotten much better at being able to just jump in and help without explanation, it's still a lonely world when you can't really be part of the team.

Looking at all this has made me aware of just how much I depend on feedback, verbal or nonverbal, to establish a sense of accomplishment. And how important a sense of capability, of having done things well, has become to my sense of self. I'm not talking about compliments, even. I'm talking about a certain vibe you get when you're talking shop with someone, a sense that the person in question knows what your job is and knows that you can and will do the job you are given to do. It's a sort of respect, that faith in your competence. Something I have apparently taken for granted up to now.

When my day is full, and the responsibilities I have are mine alone, I can see for myself how things are getting done. But when my job is to help other people, the picture becomes less clear. It's standard procedure in Japan to compliment foreigners a lot–it's thought that compliments are a way to make people feel welcome–but these compliments often have little to do with real performance feedback. Even now my colleagues still compliment me at least once a week on my ability to use chopsticks and make my own lunch, but no one will ever say a word about how one of my classes went. I can't brainstorm freely with anyone to improve my teaching, and I can't offer too many observations on what I see outside of a formal evaluation meeting. I find, especially in October, that I really miss that kind of idea exchange.

I was talking to an Australian friend of mine about this not too long ago. He said that it's a cultural thing. People, especially in the workplace, are very careful not to comment on other people's performance or lack thereof. He worked in a position like mine for over three years before he received any sort of actual feedback about the job he was doing. Still, I'm glad all the festivals are over, and November is here again. Things are already looking up.

todd got me a wii fit for my birthday and it is beyond awesome.  i could still feel tuesday's workout on thursday, and it's pretty sweet to feel like exercise is as fun as sitting down to play a video game.  i'm especially enjoying the advanced step class level that i just unlocked, as i am an 80s throwback when it comes to things aerobic (remember the jazzercise years?).

bigtree brightstorm asked me to return in november to create videos for three literature mini-courses.  i'm incredibly excited to be going out to SF again, to continue working with the company, and to get to do lit stuff now.  i feel like i performed fairly well given a subject i wasn't incresibly excited about -the SAT- so imagine what i can do with topics i am actually passionate about!  i'm even having a hand in selection of literature, and right now it looks like catcher, TKAM, and death of a salesman.  hello, literary boner!

zane has a birthday party today for his BFF, and the invitation specified no presents, but asked for donations to the local food bank instead.  it's a wonderful sentiment, but i can't help but to feel for the kids.  no presents?  he's only 10.  i'm not sure at 10 i'd be able to be so virtuous.

big tree is actively recruiting HS age kids to check out our content and offer feedback.  they have the opportunity to earn free online courses and gift cards just for offering opinions, so please forward the hell out of this link:

www.bigtreelearning.com

they can list 'linda' under how they heard about BTL and i'll get mad respect.   much obliged!

a trio of reflections from my first work week this year:

1)  this is the 3rd of the 4th schools i have worked in that feel it appropriate to engage the faculty in prayer the first day.  how is that okay, really?  is it just because no one's gonna turn them in for fear of becoming tagged as That Asshole Who Hates Jesus?  i just feel uncomfortable on behalf of anyone who doesn't follow a christian belief system.  and uncomfortable because i know it's not right.  why is this okay?  i mean, with all the VA schools i have taught in following this practice, someone somewhere must be giving a green light, right?  or am i just the bigger asshole for being bothered but not voicing my concern?

2)  i am so, so, so over the all-knowing, apple-motif, denim-jumper wearing old lady teachers who think they rule the little elementary school world because they have been teaching the ABCs since the time of noah.  do us all a favor and retire, you prima donna, technology-befuddled, seasonal-sweater-wearing fossils.

3)  did you know that the fabled 'permanent record' really does exist?  at least in VA, it follows you from grade to grade and collects grades and writing samples and state test scores.  it's called your cumulative folder, and is often abbreviated for ease.  it's not so bad when it's said aloud - pronounced CYOOM.  but never will i be unshaken by seeing a note or request for someone's "CUM FOLDER."  seriously?  seriously!

it was quite an awakening to return to school tonight for our first in a series of open house nights. not necessarily a rude awakening, but definitely an awakening. i've got to flip the switch to turn back into an elementary school teacher and even after two years that still feels a little weird.

there is a distinct difference between primary and secondary school teachers. there is a significant percentage of apple- motif, denim-romper and seasonal-sweater aficionados in the elementary arena, and high school teachers are more foul-mouthed, sarcastic, crude, and funny - in the best possible ways. working with colleagues like this at BTL this summer i realize that i really miss that atmosphere. most elementary school teachers almost seem a little too good somehow. good is great but i'm no fucking pollyanna, you know?

but i so love the little-littles. tonight was the open house for pre-K, K, and 1st grade, and there was so much excitement, so many wide eyes, and some tears. it all manages to make my heart get all mushy. when i can hold the hand of a sobbing 5 year old and reassure him that a test ride on the big yellow bus is not scary and actually could be a lot of fun, and he squirrels his grubby little hand into mine with complete trust and faith that i am telling the truth - damn, it's nothing short of amazing.

i've got 15 episode planners done, with just 2 to go.  i completely underestimated what an incredible amount of work this video gig was going to be.  i probably put, on average, about 4 hours into each episode planner, some of which still need powerpoints for my visual aides.  it's hard for me to be satisifed with the PPTs; i haven't made one in probably 5 years, having moved to the smartNotebook software designed for my smartBoard at school.  i'm such an overachiever that it slays me to simply have to accept the idea that i don't have the luxury of time to really make my visuals what i would like them to be.

i'd hoped to have finished all my outlines a week out from production to have seven days to practice, but my my flight leaves sunday and i'm so not there yet.  i'm rationalizing this, feeling unprepared in terms of practice, by trying to convincing myself that there's less chance of my sounding creepily rehearsed - they're all about natural, conversational style.

before sunday, i also have to do a bunch of appearance-oriented stuff (hair, nails*, etc), pack a million different outfits, finalize and pack a list of props, and maybe do some audio of my lessons so i can listen to them during my travel time.  and of course rather than doing any of this write now i am typing and waiting for the perfect time to shoot video of diesel sneaking up behind gus and air-humping him.  it's pretty god-damn funny, especially as D humps once every like 6 months and today he is ALL about it.

my gay dogs

*  one very nice part of all this pressure is that upon returning from my first trip to SF i firmly decided that raggedy ass chewed nails were one part of my appearance i could fix in 3 weeks.  so i bought yucky-tasting polish stuff and forced myself to be aware of when i bite, and -viola- decent-looking fingers.  at least i have that under control.

so for about 6 weeks i was in the process, and have finally been accepted as a teaching fellow for big tree learning. their site's not live yet, but i feel the need to link to it. anyway.

big tree is . . . "located in San Francisco and funded by Silicon Valley venture capital, our world-class team of educators, business leaders, and tech gurus are building innovative new learning tools that provide high school students with the inspiration and skills they need to succeed in school, college, and life."

essentially, the company has gone out and recruited "rock star teachers" to create short, high-quality, interactive videos online to assist high school kids in different subjects. yours truly will be teacher of SAT writing. next week, they are flying me out to california for a three-day orientation. i'll then have a month to work on my material on my own at home, and then at the end of july, i'll fly back out for a week in the studio working on production.

i feel psyched for what seems like an amazing opportunity. i adore teaching, but feel limited sometimes. my personality is one that wants to go-go-go and do-do-do, and in education there's not necessarily that ladder to climb. it's always frustrated me that the shittiest teacher makes as much money as the most inspirational, and that years spent teaching are 1) universally accepted as an indicator of quality 2) the method towards financial gain.

so having a creative, innovative, financially-fruitful opportunity like this within my field feels like something that fell directly down from heaven. in truth, it came from carter, who is friends with shawna mitchell, one of the big tree folks (who, interestingly but entirely non sequitur-ily, was on survivor). carter was wonderful enough to think of me when she heard about shawna's new company, and six weeks, an application, interviews, video conferences, and a million e-mails later, here i am.

it was a huge boost to be asked to participate this program, followed very closely by an even bigger backslide into self-doubt. what makes me think i am anyone's version of a rock star teacher, that people would actually pay money to watch videos in which i presuppose to think i can help them be better writers and more successful test-takers? the thought of being professionally shot in a studio has me obsessing about everything from my weight (completely non-optimal again) to my nail-biting habit (also not optimal). i need to get over all of that. in, um, like, 5 weeks.

weirdly, for the first time in my life i am contemplating the notion of "branding" - something i had never had any cause to apply to myself. this week i had to complete a pretty length set of self-descriptions that big tree will use in part to build our public profiles on their website. i was asked everything from my favorite high school memory (jumping off stage at graduation) to funny things that have happened to me when teaching (missing my stool and landing on my ass in front of my first class seniors / sending home progress reports with grades for "SHIT PERFORMANCES" instead of "SKIT").

when i got to some of the less black and white queries, like my personal theme song or a historical figure i relate to, i went absolutely bananas. for those i didn't have an easy gut instinct reaction to, i spent literally hours trying to figure out what different responses might lead people/kids/anyone/everyone to think of me. how would you judge someone who name checks jem as the TV/movie personality she most identifies with? what do you think of someone who thinks the animal they are most like is a monkey, or who got into teaching because for the most part, she hated her own high school experience intensely?  what kind of message would picking kanye over the doors or the killers say about me if you didn't know me? is it weird to pick jim morrisson as my relatable historical figure?

i didn't make anything up that wasn't true, but i really spent some time trying to determine how my responses would come off - would i be someone you would look to for teaching? that's so weird - it's not something most people ever have a choice in and i could feel my inner meredith grey (not the dark and twisty part) getting all riled up and needy. my normal who-gives-a-fuck attitude that would be applied to these questions in an e-mail forward or something similar takes a backseat when my answers are the basis to something on a bigger - or at least different- scale like this.

but . . . i'm happy! and excited, and so eager to kick ass at this. for every moment of self-doubt i can consciously replace it with a memory of something awesome and powerful that has happened in one of my classrooms. i just have to keep repeating, i think i can, i think i can - until i know i can… and banish thoughts like, if only i could like drop 50 pounds and have nice nails and not try quite so hard to be funny sometimes to the point where i come off smart-mouthed.

to be continued . . .