there is a weird sound coming from upstairs. its somewhere between man-peeing and an airplane.

so. new city, new apartment. no best friend to share it with. those first two things aren't bad. that last one really stinks, especially since from what i've seen so far, he'd like it. my day has reminded me a bit of when we first started dating, and everything i saw i evaluated from my own perspective, then thought about what he might think.

the city really has been pretty idyllic. i didn't get hassled at all walking around. the sun was shining. i put some good things out there- telling a professorial gentleman that his headphones were dragging out of his pocket and on the ground, offering (and following through with) taking a picture for a woman, a self portrait of her on a bench with flowers in the background. i was stopped by random strangers who asked if they could help me find anything when it was clear i was looking at address numbers. everyone i interacted with was friendly. even the cable installer guys were super nice. yesterday a random girl walking by held the apartment door open for me while i hauled in my bags.

i found a bed. there will be only two nights of floor bed. my internet is working. my phone will be when i go out and buy one. i have food in my fridge and freezer. things are coming together.

tears keep coming out of nowhere, but not for very long at a time- and this is the worst it should be, i hope. i hate adjusting to changes, but i'm here, and i'd better make the most of it.

todd and i are … strained right now.  it's really kind of awful and i have a perpetual pit in my stomach, even here, at the beach, on vacation.  the week i was in SF, his grandmother died.  she'd been pretty sick the week and a half before i left and i debated not going.  he wouldn't hear of it.  as a result, i wasn't around during what was a really tough time, and i feel bad.  i also think he begrudges me being gone, even though he said there was no way i should stay.  i don't feel like we are communicating very well and at the beach with parents and a kid and dogs around isn't the best place for big talks.  

i really need things to balance back out.

beach-bound for the first time in 2 years.  last summer was the first, i think, in my life, that i didn't walk in the sand somewhere, and it may have fucked my equilibrim for the entire 365 days thereafter.  i hope to balance back out this week - i really need it.

does it show me to be in a wrong mindframe that i already researched the closest free wi-fi spots to our cottage?  yes, "cottage."  me, four adults, one child, three dogs, in a cottage.

funny that i unintentionally included myself as neither adult or child in that scenario.

To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me. - Isaac Newton

so for about 6 weeks i was in the process, and have finally been accepted as a teaching fellow for big tree learning. their site's not live yet, but i feel the need to link to it. anyway.

big tree is . . . "located in San Francisco and funded by Silicon Valley venture capital, our world-class team of educators, business leaders, and tech gurus are building innovative new learning tools that provide high school students with the inspiration and skills they need to succeed in school, college, and life."

essentially, the company has gone out and recruited "rock star teachers" to create short, high-quality, interactive videos online to assist high school kids in different subjects. yours truly will be teacher of SAT writing. next week, they are flying me out to california for a three-day orientation. i'll then have a month to work on my material on my own at home, and then at the end of july, i'll fly back out for a week in the studio working on production.

i feel psyched for what seems like an amazing opportunity. i adore teaching, but feel limited sometimes. my personality is one that wants to go-go-go and do-do-do, and in education there's not necessarily that ladder to climb. it's always frustrated me that the shittiest teacher makes as much money as the most inspirational, and that years spent teaching are 1) universally accepted as an indicator of quality 2) the method towards financial gain.

so having a creative, innovative, financially-fruitful opportunity like this within my field feels like something that fell directly down from heaven. in truth, it came from carter, who is friends with shawna mitchell, one of the big tree folks (who, interestingly but entirely non sequitur-ily, was on survivor). carter was wonderful enough to think of me when she heard about shawna's new company, and six weeks, an application, interviews, video conferences, and a million e-mails later, here i am.

it was a huge boost to be asked to participate this program, followed very closely by an even bigger backslide into self-doubt. what makes me think i am anyone's version of a rock star teacher, that people would actually pay money to watch videos in which i presuppose to think i can help them be better writers and more successful test-takers? the thought of being professionally shot in a studio has me obsessing about everything from my weight (completely non-optimal again) to my nail-biting habit (also not optimal). i need to get over all of that. in, um, like, 5 weeks.

weirdly, for the first time in my life i am contemplating the notion of "branding" - something i had never had any cause to apply to myself. this week i had to complete a pretty length set of self-descriptions that big tree will use in part to build our public profiles on their website. i was asked everything from my favorite high school memory (jumping off stage at graduation) to funny things that have happened to me when teaching (missing my stool and landing on my ass in front of my first class seniors / sending home progress reports with grades for "SHIT PERFORMANCES" instead of "SKIT").

when i got to some of the less black and white queries, like my personal theme song or a historical figure i relate to, i went absolutely bananas. for those i didn't have an easy gut instinct reaction to, i spent literally hours trying to figure out what different responses might lead people/kids/anyone/everyone to think of me. how would you judge someone who name checks jem as the TV/movie personality she most identifies with? what do you think of someone who thinks the animal they are most like is a monkey, or who got into teaching because for the most part, she hated her own high school experience intensely?  what kind of message would picking kanye over the doors or the killers say about me if you didn't know me? is it weird to pick jim morrisson as my relatable historical figure?

i didn't make anything up that wasn't true, but i really spent some time trying to determine how my responses would come off - would i be someone you would look to for teaching? that's so weird - it's not something most people ever have a choice in and i could feel my inner meredith grey (not the dark and twisty part) getting all riled up and needy. my normal who-gives-a-fuck attitude that would be applied to these questions in an e-mail forward or something similar takes a backseat when my answers are the basis to something on a bigger - or at least different- scale like this.

but . . . i'm happy! and excited, and so eager to kick ass at this. for every moment of self-doubt i can consciously replace it with a memory of something awesome and powerful that has happened in one of my classrooms. i just have to keep repeating, i think i can, i think i can - until i know i can… and banish thoughts like, if only i could like drop 50 pounds and have nice nails and not try quite so hard to be funny sometimes to the point where i come off smart-mouthed.

to be continued . . .

just bought a plane ticket to l.a. for next fri/sat. i haven't been back in almost 18 months now. seems so long.

i already have a full itinerary, full of silliness, fun, people and places i have missed.

i think this is going to be very good for my mind.

it's been days since i last wrote. anything other than emails.

every day for the past 5 or 6, i have composed no less than 2 posts in my head. yesterday, i was going to use lunch to do some creative writing. none of this happened.

work is still tough for me to find a regular schedule, one i can marginally stick to and be productive with my own projects. it's frustrating and it is going to take some effort to make it happen. but it will, because the alternative isn't pretty.

this past weekend, roxy and i flew out to minnesota to see her uncle and then drive down to mason city for the service for my uncle soph. i had not met her uncle, she had not met this part of my family, so it was nice all around. (to be fair, i hadn't seen this part of my family in years and years — the photo of my uncle in the above link also has my cousin in it. except, this weekend, he turned out to be 18 and about to start college. time moves, my friends. faster than we all think.)

we flew out friday — i went from work in sf directly to sfo to catch the flight. we spent the night at r's uncle's house and then drove on sat afternoon down south. saturday night and sunday were spent in mason city, before climbing back in the car around 5pm and hightailing it back to the minneapolis airport. to get in at 1am.

monday was rushed — work and then drinks with the crew. we didn't stay long because we were still fairly tired. last night was more calm, but we both worked late, so it threw the evening off a bit.

there are plenty of stories, mostly good ones from the weekend. many of the memorable quotes came from my cousins, the young ones who i don't know still. the service was good, if a little sad. i was pleased — most of the weekend was spent with laughter and remembrance — i only saw a couple of tears and those were brief during the service.

i am happy we spent time together talking and being a family — i don't see any of them often enough and to spend the time being closer is time well spent.

there is more to say (isn't there always?) but i'll try to throw it into some other posts. i'm just having one of those 'isn't life weird and wonderful and totally strange?' days.

riding home today, there was a girl across the aisle crying. and crying.

i felt so awful. i couldn't think of a single thing to do or say. the only thing i could daydream about was writing her a note saying something like 'you are loved'. but that's not the kind of thing you want from a stranger on a bus while you are having a breakdown, even if they mean well. so i stared out the window, looking away from her, which seemed so mean.

then she got off.