i can has man on ur boat

either you find this funny or you don't.

By choosing a real city, we declare that the economic forces, the political dynamic, the class, cultural and racial boundaries are all that much more real, that they do exist in Baltimore and, therefore, they exist elsewhere in urban America.

The Wire is the opposite of The Simpsons in almost every single way I can think of — start at the format of the show and slowly work yourself down to this level of detail. Where The Simpsons abstracts its setting into Everytown, USA, The Wire goes the opposite route and chooses to be as detailed as possible.

It's interesting, because, essentially, both shows are trying to do the same thing — show universality through their story, as evinced by the Simon quote above.

I was born in 1976. I have quite a list of TV shows from my youth, spanning almost every year of my life. Memories of The Dukes of Hazzard, of Sesame Street, of the Robonic 3 Stooges.

(As for that last one, I shit you not. I remember watching it on CBS at 6.30am on Saturdays. When I would be so excited about Saturday morning cartoons, I would wake up, without an alarm, at roughly 5.30am. And sit. Watching the test pattern patiently until 6, when The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse and Heckle & Jeckle came on. According to these Wikipedia links, this had to be 78-79. I really can't explain how I remember all these details. For years, I thought I had dreamed the Robonic 3 Stooges, because, seriously, who would ever make that cartoon? God bless the Internet.)

Anyway, I recall these shows as snapshots in time. And 3-2-1 Contact certainly fits that bill.

Today, my boss was singing the theme song. Of course, this planted it my head and sent me off to youtube to find it. This is a later version of the opening than the one I grew up with, but the music is the same — and much of the footage is the same (from the water drop on).

Holy crap, it still rocks. I just had to watch it again. I wish I knew why I found it badass. Ah, old memories.

So that was step one. Then I recalled that one of my first crushes was on one of the two female hosts on this show. The other was on Lynda Carter, from watching re-runs of Wonder Woman. Let's also keep in mind that I was 3 or 4 at the time.

This crush was on the host named Trini. imdb tells me some interesting things: Trini's real name is Ginny Ortiz. And she was also in The Warriors, which cracks me up, as I love that movie. Digging further online, it seems she hasn't done much else movie/TV-wise and has been doing mostly theater work. And she is now married with a child.

It made me smile though — I mean, I had serious hots for this girl. I still do.

And so I went digging to find pictures of her today.

This is where you prepare to laugh.

The only one I found was a tiny headshot from The Warriors:

But youtube came through again — I found another 3-2-1 Contact clip where she was hosting. And I grabbed a few stills from it, so you don't have to watch all of it — though you do get to hear her in the clip.

Laughing yet?

If not, perhaps it is because you haven't seen a picture of my girlfriend (pictured on the left):

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I appear to be dating someone who is the same type as a girl I was in love with at age 3. On the TV. And yes, I am slightly creeped out by this whole thing. Did Ginny Ortiz actually inspire my tastes or was she merely the first woman I "knew" who matched them? Did she imprint me for life?

I have no idea. But I would like to travel back in time, meet myself and let him know that he has good taste.

(Also, I would be lying if I said that I didn't hope she finds this. Sure, it's a super weird story. But if Ms. Ortiz sees this, I hope she will leave me a comment. I'll almost feel like my life will have been a glorious loop of…something. And before you call me creepy — who doesn't want to hear from a TV star they were in love with as a child?)

Goodness, a bunch of things on my mind. I've had tabs and tabs in my browser open for days and days, waiting to post. When it rains, it pours. Let's start:

• Saw The Host and Talk To Me. c and a-, respectively. Really, really enjoyed Talk To Me, though I found some of it a bit odd structurally.
• I'm enjoying American Gladiators still, which is something I shouldn't be admitting publicly. But it has filled that gap in my life where, once a week, I like to have a couple of drinks and yell horrible things at the TV. Kid Nation was also primo for this and, surprisingly, AG has filled that gap nicely. Although, some people believe the old version of the show was better.
• There is someone who is watching all the Criterion movies and blogging about each one. It's interesting and many of the reviews are quite fun to read. But oh, how I was delighted when I cam across Armageddon. Seriously, I always forget this and The Rock somehow snuck through. Oh, and at the bottom of his review for Rushmore (which Roxy has never seen!) is a nice in-joke about Armageddon as well. Highlights from this review:
  

  • There's an entire commentary track with the "science advisors," a NASA employee and a former astronaut, who tried to make the movie as scientifically accurate as possible. Listening to these guys talk about their constant battles to get Michael Bay and company to make the film at all relate to the world of science (for example, when Mir explodes, it explodes, like it's in an atmosphere) is a case study in cognitive dissonance.
  • The Armadillo, the drill car they drive around on the asteroid, has a chin mounted chain gun. You might wonder when NASA started putting weapons on their vehicles, or what they were expecting to shoot at on an asteroid, or even how they expected bullets to fire in a vacuum. But in fact, this wasn't NASA's decision so much as Mattel's; there was a toy version of this car, and toys with guns sell better. I'm not kidding; plot points were decided on by the toy company.

• Cola increases the odds of kidney issues/problems hugely. Though I don't drink much cola, so that ain't my issue. But seriously, time to give this shit up. Tea, coffee, water, maybe juice and milk. That's all you're allowed to drink.
• Finally, Hank, I expect a full review of: Strawberry Cheetos, salad flavored water and cucumber pepsi. And if you can pick up a few of those masturbation cans*, that would be cool. Oh and I won't be sad if you can find a similar haircuttery to this:

  [via: the consumerist, fimoculous and joey devilla]

• Finally, and perhaps most exciting, a new Gnarls Barkley track has been spotted. Released. Leaked. Anyway, it's call Run and now you need to go grab it.

Seriously, this is from the FAQ:
"7. Is it safe to drink the lotion inside the cup?"
Who are these people who think its ok (or a good idea) to drink the lotion that comes inside a sex toy?

i've been cooking a lot recently, like a lot a lot. our little family unit has finally settled down into regular dinnertimes together, though most meals have at least 2 entree versions present at the table to meet our different proclivities and pickiness.

often times the things i make for todd and zane are entirely different from my own meal, based on carni-/herbi- preferences. i wish i could cook the same thing for all of us, but it doesn't seem in the cards at the moment. T&Z are very used to home-cooked being todd's mom's way of cooking, which is pretty convenience food-friendly and rather southern.

even the cookbooks i turn to for dinners are different from what i have always used in the past. my well-worn WW tomes, cooking light, and vegetarian compilations are sadly, gathering dust as i turn to plastic spiral bound volumes with titles like, the best 1,001 short, easy recipes and the get me out of the kitchen! cookbook. it's not exactly challenging stuff, but it's what my diners enjoy, so there but for the grace of god go i.

i can usually find some middle-ground of foodie and diner line chef on the foot network, which brought me one of the silly shows that i love - the next food network star. it combines my fondness for cooking programs with the guilty indulgence of reality tv, so really, it's pretty much win-win for me (although it's not quite top chef-caliber!)

over the lovely two snowdays we were awarded this past week, i randomly tuned into the new program of last year's winner, amy finley - the gourmet next door. she prepared chiliqueles with chorizo, and i watched with interest to see this dish, in which tortilla chips are actually cooked in a saucepan in "stovetop salsa". it seemed pretty cool, and actually really easy, so i tried it out this weekend.

man, oh, man. now all i want to eat is chiliqueles. as a veggie-saurus, i skipped the chorizo, and the warm dish was so yummy i didn't even bother with the extra accompaniments suggested in the recipe, like guac, red onion, and cheese.

i proffered my new culinary discovery to zane and todd, both of whom instead preferred tostitos and velveeta.

not that there's anything wrong with that.

One of the best scenes from the first season of I.T. Crowd:

The new 999 number joke:

And the "best of Denholm", which isn't a scene. But it does have the speech in it Kurt loves. And Kurt loves no one as much as Denholm. Sadly, this doesn't have the full speech Kurt loves, but I can't find it anywhere. Here you go:

This evening we watched the first two episodes of season 5 of The Wire and the first two episodes of the new American Gladiators. I want to write some kind of compare and contrast here, but the words might fail me. I will press on.

The Wire:
Some people say it is the best show ever to grace the television. I can't go that far.* I can say that it is the best show currently on TV — of course, I say this knowing that Lost is set to return in a few weeks — and that The Wire will be wrapping a few weeks before Lost finishes. The new season doesn't disappoint; there are plenty (and almost, perhaps, too many), callbacks to previous seasons and episodes. Some are in jokes, some aren't. I'm going to miss the hell out of this show when it is over.

But the ending of the second episode. Holy shiiiiiiiiit. We finished watching and the 5 of us (Roxy, John, Mike, Kurt and I) seem to be in agreement with what is happening, but the logic, the turn made to head in the direction that it does…It confounds me. I can't wait to see where it goes but man oh man.

Oh and if you aren't watching this show, you're a fool. Get season 1 and get to it.

* Mainly because the words "best" and "show" are too loosely defined — how does one factor in genres, years on air, length of the episodes and other fluctuations? It doesn't really matter.

American Gladiators:
Another return, this one of a show around 15 years old. It doesn't appear to have changed one drop from then, which might be a blessing or it might be a curse. This is, hands down, the most homo-erotic show I have seen in years. Maybe ever.

This is Hellga:

She is one of the new female gladiators.

Then there is Titan, who spent both episodes flexing and looking so gay I really wasn't sure what I was watching:

Finally, there is Wolf, who is this feral man-beast. Scary is my only adjective for him:

It is one tomorrow night again; if you need brainless TV that both destroys your faith in humanity while allowing you to laugh at meathead idiots — this is the show for you. I do wonder what the gladiators did before getting on TV. What their day job is. I can't fathom.

4 great hours of TV at opposite ends of the spectrum. And, sadly, perhaps, both are highly recommended.