i feel cranky and unfulfilled. enough wallowing and trying to get my shit together.  let’s excel. at something. now.

i got nominated for “teacher of the year” at school. that was pretty cool. i’d like to win that more than i’d admit to anyone i work with. wonder if i feel like i need something tangible (superficial?) to show that i am not becoming stagnant.

i’m applying to JMU to get my administration endorsement. could i really be a principal or AP? am i doing it because that’s truly what i want or because i feel the need to stay in motion?

i kind of like living alone.

i facebook and tweet way too much, and don’t write enough. let’s have an experiment. tweet me a topic, and i’ll write on it. how about that.

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and the pieces fall together as they should; as they always have; this and that and the forever always. the father, the son and the holy ghost.

i’ve left work for a week; left to run on its own devices, on its own energy. and to be fair, it will be fine without me, but it feels better to believe that the team needs me to be functional. that’s some sort of logic; it exists purely to make myself feel more important than i am.

this is not to say that work itself in unimportant; every day it sucks more of me, of my soul, making me believe i can’t let it go for an instant. is this true?

no, of course it isn’t. and i have to convince myself of this now so that i can enjoy the holidays. i will; there is no doubt of that.

whee! i have to continually remind myself that work does not define me; i have to believe that failure at work does not equal failure at life. and this is true; truly true, i have books and notes and drawings and a life behind me that has nothing to do with the team i now lead.

and that is good. and as it should be.

and when i step back and realize what we have built and how and in what time and when i see how people can’t even understand what we have built and why, i have to remind myself that yes, it’s a failure and a win at the same time. and Matthew, your shadow still looms, believe it or not. and every day, i realize ‘i understand how to build a site, an app, what it means to build a web app. and i think about the 4 include files from o&m (top, head, body, bottom) and how the last 10 years have been nothing but a lesson on how how to do all of this.’

and this is my life now. and i think, ‘i get it. and it isnt about getting it. or being an expert. or any of that. this is my life and this is a conversation i win.’ this is my area of expertise, my list of bum names.

and i don’t want to go on vacation.

and that scares me.

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We got our re-contracting papers this week. I’ll have to decide in the next several weeks whether I want to extend for an additional year here in Kochi, or leave once my contract expires in August. It also means that it’s open season for students, parents, colleagues, and friends to start asking me about my plans to go or stay, and quiz me about the status of my life in Japan. In other words, the pressure’s on; until I do make an official decision, I will need to be very careful and polite in my responses to questions on this subject.

Last year I had no hesitation, and I’m very glad I extended for a second year. A third year? I just don’t know. (Hell of a time for the “Magic 8-Ball” to be out of commission, actually.)

I truly love the kids I’m working with, and would very much like to see them graduate–something I could do if I extended. Living here is continually interesting and energizing. My cost of living is minimal, and the opportunities I have to explore and travel are legion. But the job itself is not much of a challenge. I am, in effect, creating work for myself on a regular basis so that I have something new to work on. In addition to this work, my regular responsibilities have increased over time, as has my reputation. But it’s still pretty slow going at times. I miss having full control of what I can do in a room, being able to attack an idea head-on in my own way; I miss the sharp back-and-forth I can have with students in my native language. It seems totally insane to be talking about missing 70/80-hour work weeks, but I do. I do miss them. And I miss the more regular contact I had with my friends Stateside, as well.

We leave for Thailand on Friday. I’m thinking it’ll be a good place and time to think things through, a way to (literally) get some distance and try to figure out where I stand.

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For one reason or another, I’ve taken a ‘Magic 8-Ball’ with me to every new workspace I’ve occupied, foreign or domestic, since the age of 20. I’m pretty sure it started with a gift, as a joke, although I couldn’t tell you the particulars now if I tried. But at this point it’s no laughing matter; it’s tradition, to the point that the damn thing actually makes it onto my packing list, every time.

However, recent events have given cause for concern. The mystery liquid in my ‘Magic 8-Ball’ has, of late, become so dark and cloudy that I can no longer see the answers to any of my questions. My students are as disappointed with this turn of events as I am, mostly because they’ve made a habit of coming over to my desk to ask the ‘Magic 8-Ball’ if they’ll be passing their entrance exams. But it can’t be helped. The future is no longer ours to see.

Could it be the simple old age of a gadget past its prime?
The chilly winter weather?
A subtle hint from [deity of choice] that it’s time to move on?
Or an evil omen of terrible things to come?

Only time will tell.

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They want my life back.

Going to bed at 3.30 after working for hours and hours on programming, eating hot pizza at night and leftover cold pizza in the morning, getting punchy in the workspace. Am I 20 again?

All of this ends in another day or two. I am so fried. Seriously, I don’t know what day it is; I know I hit 100 hours this past week. Sigh.

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BTL is now brightstorm.com.  not a bad name, methinks.  check it out & sign up for the beta even if you are not a HS kid.  i want lots of feedback.  seeing myself online in professionally-produced, non-pornographic videos will soon be something i can check off ye old bucket list.  there’s some kind of deal with winning free amex gift cards to people testing out the beta now, so do give it a gander, won’t you?  much obliged.

i have a total geek boner for the wii game my word coach.   it might be seriously my dorkiest pleasure ever.

i bought the first two seasons of ‘entourage’ at plan 9 the other day.  i’ve never seen an episode but 4 (or is it 5?) seasons of uberhype have finally pulled me in.  plus i’ve been craving a marathonable new show to get into…  not that i’m not thrilled with the new fall TV lineup of the equivalent to a tray of twinkies and ho-ho’s – “90210″ and “gossip girl” and “the hills” – ah, nutritionaly-void gluttony, i love you so.

yesterday whilst giving a reading assessment my eager little elementary school learner read the word “hour” as WHORE.   the sentence was, “we waited for an hour for the clue.”  the notion of waiting for a whore, particularly when ennunicated by a teeny tiny little squeaky-voiced girl had me biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from completely busting out laughing.    best yet, the story she was reading was called “father’s new game”  “father” surely is up to no good, methinks.  and what of this mysterious, clue-giving woman of the night?  now there’s a pitch for a tv show.

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I dearly hope that my updates do not become weekly check-ins as I slowly find time to juggle 700 things (or just 2 or 3) in my life. It’s 8.43 right this moment and I’m on the train after a long day of work. Yay 13 hour days!

This is ok; sometimes you need to roll your sleeves up and do this. As opposed to when I was working on the Sopranos videogame and 12 hour days were considered normal. Once a quarter is probably good for me, thanks.

I think that the distance is getting easier, though R might disagree. Classes are ramping up for her and I’m finding a groove in to-do lists and pretend-schedules. I said a while ago that October would be a cool month for me and I think things are still on track for that.

Life is so boring without R around. This isn’t a mope, just an observation. I’ve found I have become even more neat, always picking up after myself, making runs to Target to buy small things to help organize the apartment (read: the closet). I think most of this is because I have nothing else to do with my time and having things put away and out of site gives me piece of mind.

And my desire to go go go hasn’t diminished. Sitting here, inbetween paragraphs, my mind started plotting what I could be doing next, even though I have already finished all the tasks I wanted to complete this week, even though all my next steps have to be done at home, even though I’m tired. I suppose if I stay busy, I can’t stop and think all the stupid (and wonderful) things my mind now revolves around.

I definitely did not appreciate the girl enough while she was around. And when she comes back, I probably will fall into the same trap.

Ok, enough. I’m killing time on the train and that isn’t a good use of your time either. Whee!

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