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‘a number of things considered as a unit’

Posted by petunia 13 Jul 2010

misc:

i would like to wear false eyelashes, like, all the time.  i think they are beautiful.

gus is hiding under the coffee table because it’s thundering.  i’m so glad for the rain. i’m also learning to love the parts of summer that involve hibernating inside under the AC.  don’t really have too much choice about that at the moment, but maybe that’s just fortunate timing.

i’m going to a conference in a couple weeks in richmond.  i wish travel was more a part of my line of work.  i’m being put up in the swanky resort, the same place where the conference takes place. i feel like it’s the kind of place where people have affairs, or three-day long liasons.  hm.

this is what my back looked like until yesterday:

the drain is gone now, thank god.   it was probably the part of this experience that wigged me out the most.  accordingly, i flipped out a little yesterday during the removal and may have passed out for just a wee little moment.  i thought the end of the tube was just stitched into the incision, and didn’t realize that its removal would include pulling what felt like half a foot of tubing out of my back.  BARF.

you’ll notice the strip over what looks like a crater – the former home of my hump.  i’m hoping i do not have a permanent crater in my back.  i will save that question for my last post-op appointment with the surgeon.

i miss having a gay best, or at least, close guy friend.  in fact, i miss male companionship as a whole.  i used to be the chick whose majority of friends were dudes – what happened?  that just seemed a lot easier.

i’m excited to get back to the farmer’s market this weekend.

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Parenting/Life: Return to Center

Posted by ray 18 Jun 2010

I often find myself believing I’d be far more productive if only I had a laptop. I mean, heaven forbid I do something like write on a pad of paper. How positively 18th century!

It seems that most of my thoughts come in little bursts between crushing episodes of spilt milk, kids fighting in the car or accusations of sibling-inspired trespass. By the time the dynamo twins are asleep in bed (or partially in bed, or on the floor *next* to the bed), I’m exhausted and mentally spent by the time I fire up the computer. Whatever ‘spare’ time I can muster is somehow sucked into the black hole that is Facebook. Why don’t my friends post opportune things for me to make witty and/or snarky comments about? Don’t they know the King of Internet Wittiness needs fodder to feed the machine?

And so it goes. Minutes become days become weeks, so thick in the Now that I never seem to accomplish actual “things” short of (*hopefully*) nurturing these two little charges. and even that feels like near abject failure. Each sibling quarrel is a reflection on my incompetence, each time one of them yells, it is my voice shouting me down for not setting a better example. In truth, I feel so entirely wrapped up in and consumed by my job as a parent that it lead to stress and grumpiness, which makes the kids stressed and grumpy. Which in turn makes me stressed and grumpy. Verily, a snake eating itself by the tail.

So, half-finished pottery projects dry out to the point of no return. The yard and all the carefully lain planting beds are over grown, perennials slowly but surely losing their fight against hordes of zombie weeds. The deck peels and decays under the pounding sun and repeated rains.

Fuck.

In all of this, I feel lost. Lost in my job, my duties as a parent, but because of that, I’m losing my ability to be an effective and fulfilling parent. And under all of this, and the undone jobs, I’m losing myself, unable to stay still long enough to find myself, to return to center.

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‘i couldn’t ask for another’

Posted by petunia 20 Apr 2009

i feel cranky and unfulfilled. enough wallowing and trying to get my shit together.  let’s excel. at something. now.

i got nominated for “teacher of the year” at school. that was pretty cool. i’d like to win that more than i’d admit to anyone i work with. wonder if i feel like i need something tangible (superficial?) to show that i am not becoming stagnant.

i’m applying to JMU to get my administration endorsement. could i really be a principal or AP? am i doing it because that’s truly what i want or because i feel the need to stay in motion?

i kind of like living alone.

i facebook and tweet way too much, and don’t write enough. let’s have an experiment. tweet me a topic, and i’ll write on it. how about that.

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‘you make me feel so alive’

Posted by tripp 20 Dec 2008

and the pieces fall together as they should; as they always have; this and that and the forever always. the father, the son and the holy ghost.

i’ve left work for a week; left to run on its own devices, on its own energy. and to be fair, it will be fine without me, but it feels better to believe that the team needs me to be functional. that’s some sort of logic; it exists purely to make myself feel more important than i am.

this is not to say that work itself in unimportant; every day it sucks more of me, of my soul, making me believe i can’t let it go for an instant. is this true?

no, of course it isn’t. and i have to convince myself of this now so that i can enjoy the holidays. i will; there is no doubt of that.

whee! i have to continually remind myself that work does not define me; i have to believe that failure at work does not equal failure at life. and this is true; truly true, i have books and notes and drawings and a life behind me that has nothing to do with the team i now lead.

and that is good. and as it should be.

and when i step back and realize what we have built and how and in what time and when i see how people can’t even understand what we have built and why, i have to remind myself that yes, it’s a failure and a win at the same time. and Matthew, your shadow still looms, believe it or not. and every day, i realize ‘i understand how to build a site, an app, what it means to build a web app. and i think about the 4 include files from o&m (top, head, body, bottom) and how the last 10 years have been nothing but a lesson on how how to do all of this.’

and this is my life now. and i think, ‘i get it. and it isnt about getting it. or being an expert. or any of that. this is my life and this is a conversation i win.’ this is my area of expertise, my list of bum names.

and i don’t want to go on vacation.

and that scares me.

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the next step

Posted by hank 17 Dec 2008

We got our re-contracting papers this week. I’ll have to decide in the next several weeks whether I want to extend for an additional year here in Kochi, or leave once my contract expires in August. It also means that it’s open season for students, parents, colleagues, and friends to start asking me about my plans to go or stay, and quiz me about the status of my life in Japan. In other words, the pressure’s on; until I do make an official decision, I will need to be very careful and polite in my responses to questions on this subject.

Last year I had no hesitation, and I’m very glad I extended for a second year. A third year? I just don’t know. (Hell of a time for the “Magic 8-Ball” to be out of commission, actually.)

I truly love the kids I’m working with, and would very much like to see them graduate–something I could do if I extended. Living here is continually interesting and energizing. My cost of living is minimal, and the opportunities I have to explore and travel are legion. But the job itself is not much of a challenge. I am, in effect, creating work for myself on a regular basis so that I have something new to work on. In addition to this work, my regular responsibilities have increased over time, as has my reputation. But it’s still pretty slow going at times. I miss having full control of what I can do in a room, being able to attack an idea head-on in my own way; I miss the sharp back-and-forth I can have with students in my native language. It seems totally insane to be talking about missing 70/80-hour work weeks, but I do. I do miss them. And I miss the more regular contact I had with my friends Stateside, as well.

We leave for Thailand on Friday. I’m thinking it’ll be a good place and time to think things through, a way to (literally) get some distance and try to figure out where I stand.

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Concentrate and Ask Again

Posted by hank 14 Dec 2008

For one reason or another, I’ve taken a ‘Magic 8-Ball’ with me to every new workspace I’ve occupied, foreign or domestic, since the age of 20. I’m pretty sure it started with a gift, as a joke, although I couldn’t tell you the particulars now if I tried. But at this point it’s no laughing matter; it’s tradition, to the point that the damn thing actually makes it onto my packing list, every time.

However, recent events have given cause for concern. The mystery liquid in my ‘Magic 8-Ball’ has, of late, become so dark and cloudy that I can no longer see the answers to any of my questions. My students are as disappointed with this turn of events as I am, mostly because they’ve made a habit of coming over to my desk to ask the ‘Magic 8-Ball’ if they’ll be passing their entrance exams. But it can’t be helped. The future is no longer ours to see.

Could it be the simple old age of a gadget past its prime?
The chilly winter weather?
A subtle hint from [deity of choice] that it’s time to move on?
Or an evil omen of terrible things to come?

Only time will tell.

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1997 called

Posted by tripp 6 Oct 2008

They want my life back.

Going to bed at 3.30 after working for hours and hours on programming, eating hot pizza at night and leftover cold pizza in the morning, getting punchy in the workspace. Am I 20 again?

All of this ends in another day or two. I am so fried. Seriously, I don’t know what day it is; I know I hit 100 hours this past week. Sigh.

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