it was quite an awakening to return to school tonight for our first in a series of open house nights. not necessarily a rude awakening, but definitely an awakening. i've got to flip the switch to turn back into an elementary school teacher and even after two years that still feels a little weird.

there is a distinct difference between primary and secondary school teachers. there is a significant percentage of apple- motif, denim-romper and seasonal-sweater aficionados in the elementary arena, and high school teachers are more foul-mouthed, sarcastic, crude, and funny - in the best possible ways. working with colleagues like this at BTL this summer i realize that i really miss that atmosphere. most elementary school teachers almost seem a little too good somehow. good is great but i'm no fucking pollyanna, you know?

but i so love the little-littles. tonight was the open house for pre-K, K, and 1st grade, and there was so much excitement, so many wide eyes, and some tears. it all manages to make my heart get all mushy. when i can hold the hand of a sobbing 5 year old and reassure him that a test ride on the big yellow bus is not scary and actually could be a lot of fun, and he squirrels his grubby little hand into mine with complete trust and faith that i am telling the truth - damn, it's nothing short of amazing.

Winking is weird. I never know exactly how to take it. I usually read it as flirty, so when it isn't being used as a flirtation technique, my dense boy brain gets very confused. Three examples:

1. A new woman has started at work. She is married with children. She has winked at me a lot thus far, though I think every time has been after making a joke. Still, this isn't enough to not confuse me.
2. My boss has begun using the ;) in IMs whenever our dialogue begins to get tense, to help keep things light and easy-going. This one doesn't confuse me as much at all for a variety of reasons, all valid. Still, I don't think I use that emoticon with my male friends.
3. Finally, at the wedding last week, the male bartender was winking at Mike every time he got a drink. Mike was confused and asked us if it was happening to us as well or if he was being singled out. It turns out the bartender was winking at everyone (or at least Mike, R and I) every time he served a drink. Weird for a variety of reasons.

There isn't really a point here, other than that Tripp gets confused when people use devices differently than he is used to. No surprise there really. Winking is def weird. Unless you're trying to slyly flirt with a girl.

i'm hard-pressed to convey how intense this week has been.  production in CA - i don't think i have ever worked so hard in my entire life.  but it was so fucking fun…  i'm sitting in my rapidly-emptying greenroom with that pit-in-my-stomach, end of summer-camp feeling.  i will exchange email addresses and promise to write and do so with fervor for a little while, until that newness wears off and this week will stand alone in my memory as one solitary time.  i didn't expect to feel melancholy at this point.

i surprised myself this week - proved to myself a lot about what i can accomplish when i bust my ass.  by october 1, there will be 17 professionally-shot and produced videos of me available on the internet, teaching the writing section of the SAT test.  i worked as the "talent" for silicon valley-funded start-up company, and had a camera crew following me around.  i shot footage on the street, and had onlookers applaud at the end of a take.  it's pretty cool to stand back and marvel that this is my life.

I keep dreaming about work. I feel like I should be charting my day to day conditions; even without doing this, I know that I was less stressed this week than last.

This is also reflected in the fact that I dreamed about work at least twice last week and only once this week. Yet I am leaving work on Friday tense and unhappy.

Bummer.

At least the dream last night had tons of cats in it too. It's the little things.

i've got 15 episode planners done, with just 2 to go.  i completely underestimated what an incredible amount of work this video gig was going to be.  i probably put, on average, about 4 hours into each episode planner, some of which still need powerpoints for my visual aides.  it's hard for me to be satisifed with the PPTs; i haven't made one in probably 5 years, having moved to the smartNotebook software designed for my smartBoard at school.  i'm such an overachiever that it slays me to simply have to accept the idea that i don't have the luxury of time to really make my visuals what i would like them to be.

i'd hoped to have finished all my outlines a week out from production to have seven days to practice, but my my flight leaves sunday and i'm so not there yet.  i'm rationalizing this, feeling unprepared in terms of practice, by trying to convincing myself that there's less chance of my sounding creepily rehearsed - they're all about natural, conversational style.

before sunday, i also have to do a bunch of appearance-oriented stuff (hair, nails*, etc), pack a million different outfits, finalize and pack a list of props, and maybe do some audio of my lessons so i can listen to them during my travel time.  and of course rather than doing any of this write now i am typing and waiting for the perfect time to shoot video of diesel sneaking up behind gus and air-humping him.  it's pretty god-damn funny, especially as D humps once every like 6 months and today he is ALL about it.

my gay dogs

*  one very nice part of all this pressure is that upon returning from my first trip to SF i firmly decided that raggedy ass chewed nails were one part of my appearance i could fix in 3 weeks.  so i bought yucky-tasting polish stuff and forced myself to be aware of when i bite, and -viola- decent-looking fingers.  at least i have that under control.

i sent out a mass email soliciting real-life examples of bad grammar, and i'm putting out my request here, as well.  i'd like to use pictures of spelling and mechanical errors in some of my videos for big tree, to try to highlight why we should at least pay attention to most elements of correct punctuation, syntax, and the like, and not, well, be dumbasses.  i know there are a lot of examples of this online, but in order to avoid copyright, ownership, and permission issues, i'm trying to create my own stockpile of grammatical unfortunates.

they can be basic, like this one:

or a little trickier, dealing in the land of misplaced modifiers:

or my own personal favorite, the completely incorrect use of quoation marks, like this:

tripp hipped me to this website, which i think is so god-damn funny i almost shot crysal light out of my nose.

so, if you want to be a buddy and email me a pic if you happen upon any of these types of things as you go about your daily life, i will be eternally grateful.  well.  maybe "eternally."

horrible, horrible dreams last night. usually i love, cherish ones with my mom in them, but this was just not good. i want to cry thinking about it.

i'm feeling overwhelmed with my video gig with BTL. been working hard to get all my episode planners together but done 5/17 so far… i used to snort at those people who schlep their things to coffeehouses to work but now i am one of those people. i find way, way too many things to occupy my time at home. it's fantastic for productivity but i can't resist continual coffee guzzling and i can feel a bilious, neon green hole beginning to burn its way through my stomach lining.

i'm not so much a self-doubter but doing video production in a week is pulling the rug out from under my confidence and can-do attitude. what if i totally can't do this, if i completely blow? auggggggh.