this will continue. this writing, this movement, this rebirth. i will write again and with frequency and i’ll allow myself to do it even if i feel like i have nothing insightful or funny or cathartic to tip-tip-type into black and white. i will write when i am pissed and happy and bored and when i am (spoiler alert!) on painkillers. remind me when i start slacking off, okay? it would even be okay if you yelled at me a little.
the heat is atrocious. truly. 45 minutes on the elliptical inside in the AC, okay. 7 minutes outside throwing the ball around for the dogs and i look like i’ve been in a downpour. gross.
speaking of gross – thursday i will have surgery to extract a lipoma from my upper back. a lipoma is, in (disgusting) layman’s terms, a fatty hump, not caused by anything, including, cough carrying extra weight cough. my lipoma is unnoticeable to me for the most part because it, like the tramp stamp i still maintain was a cool idea in theory, is on my back. i’ve had it for quite a few years, since i lived in nyc, but in the part year or so it’s grown larger and is a smidge uncomfortable if i lean a certain way. and from what i have read, this fucker is pretty damn big. so, at doctor and surgeon’s recommendation, out it goes, and the promise of this undertaking has got me kind of a-tizzy. not like it takes much.
i’m vacillating between fascination and total pit-in-stomach anxiety about this surgery, because i’ll be fully anesthetized. the whole procedure only takes an hour or so, but i’m interested in and petrified about being in this in-between world that someone puts me into by putting stuff into an IV. it reminds me of the little nervous excitement bubble i used to get before taking some new drug back in the days of my ill-spent youth. am i gonna freak out? what’s gonna happen? is it going to be cool?
as stupid and insignificant as this little outpatient procedure is, it has also gotten me all lump-in-the-throaty, at points, too. during our phone consultation today, when the nurse told me that two family members would be allowed to go back with me at one point, i found myself just nodding as the tears streamed down my face. i don’t have family going with me on thursday. i have friends, dear and wonderful and amazing friends, but not people related to me by blood or a piece of paper.
i doubt my sister, far off in colorado and suffocating in her own concerns at the moment, will remember that this is happening. and although my sweet, well-intentioned papa did initially offer to come down for this, i don’t know that he’ll even recall that the procedure is happening this week unless i remind him. it boils down, as it consistently and inevitably does for me, that this is something my mom would be here for. should be here for. and it sucks all over again, and still.
for every day that passes, things are different, and for every tick of the clock they also stay the same. plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. french people are so smart.
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