'clocks'

another night of sickness - 13 hours, sick 5 times. bad odds. im going to spread my doage out instead of taking both pills in the morning. im hoping this will help.

i found all this stuff last night (well, at 5am) about colitis and prednisone. blah. seems like ive managed to escalate it to the pre-surgury levels now. i need to get it under control.

my favorite thing i found last night was that '10% of people die from colitis within ten years of contracting the disease.' i believe this to be bullshit. but it scares the fuck out of me.

ive not been one to fear death, but part of that has been because ive always seen a decent lifespan in front of me.

sure, there was the pnuemonia when i was born and was in intensive care for like 10 days. there was my car wreck in 98 where, although i walked away, an inch here or there could have killed me easily. (windows down, no airbags, pummeled by a van and a car on the interstate like a pinball.)

the last week would make number 3 on the 'times i thought i might die' list. this is by far the scariest - im older and this has drug out. i mean, on the way back from boulder on thurs morning, i really thought i was going to die. and part of me was at peace with it. part of me thought, 'well, if this is it, its it.'

i didnt die then. obviously.

its not even that im lacking positivity here. i just am wearing down. i need to have my condition improve and i need it to happen in the next 48 hours. no ifs ands or buts.

did i say 5 times in 13 hours? how about 6 in 14?

i hate my body.

* * *

but holy fuck do i love 'ferris bueller's day off.'