'not addicted'

i still weigh 121. bah. my bag has been outputting stuff that seems a step backwards for a day or two. sad.

maybe itll all turn around soon. on the brighter side, that iv bruise ive had since my colonscopy is almost gone. amazing how fast your body heals when you eat real food and not through an iv. remember this kids. i also got 2 new pain prescriptions. so i have 3 painkillers to pick from, though vicadin is hardly a choice. i think the one i used today is the best - it put me down for about 45 after i took them. i feel like some sort of addict with so many choices and bottles. but if one of them helps my back and kidneys, i wont complain at all.

i have ordered a bunch of stuff online. oops.

carter gets here tonight. shes in the air now. my mom will leave in the morning. the changing of the guard. shes been great. she doesnt think so, only because she hasnt cooked. so she wants to spend the afternoon preparing foods in the kitchen.

i have 5 posts i wrote in the hospital. some were while i was on morphine, some not. ill get around to posting them all, but here is the first. its rather long and its important to realize when it was written - over a month ago and after i had been in the hospital less then a week.

'be brave, clenched fists'

april 1, 6:10am

its not a kind habit. true.

i have a lot of people i consider friends. in fact, i probably use the definition too liberallly. i trust too easily.

im not a terribly thoughtful person though. i am terrible with birthdays, dont really enjoy giving presents and dont always follow up with my friends as often as i should. (in some cases, people argue it becomes a one-sided thing, others seem as laid back as i am.)

all of these are reasons for the site. it has allowed me to have contact with the most important people in my life. (there are notable exceptions here - maybe 6 to 8 people have not expressed interest or declined when asked.)

lets come back to this. the morphine will make it easier. (i just had a hard core craving for an otter pop.)

my situation is a mess. im up and down every four hours. infection seem to be a huge deal and im on (i think) 4 different anti-biotics now. blood continues to flow out of me freely, as it has for the past week plus. there have been times, before i came in and since, where i have thought i was going to die. ive alluded to it before. it is perhaps one of the strangest feelings i have ever encountered.

i think i will be a different person in many ways when i get out of here.

back to my previous thoughts.

ive been in here now 8 days. during this time, i have watched, detatched as people move around, towards, away from me.

its been tough not judge people (friends) equally here. it seems case-by-case, which, obviously makes it more difficult.

the easiest thing sitting here would be to go down the list of people i love and how they have handled me. but thats not fair and tacky.

what i do want to say is that quite a number of people - people both close to me as well as what might be termed as aquaintances have done nothing.

im not an attention whore. im not trying to whine or guilt people. but you call me a good friend and then do nothing? ive gotten cards, plants, presents, prayers, text messages, voice mail from people.

and others have written my three fates (roxy, carter linda) to pass along a message to me.

ive been saying for months how my patience for bullshit has diminshed.

this might finally be the kick in the head ive needed to cut a lot of the bs from my life and value the people i need to be loving.

ah, hello morphine.

i wish i could share the 100 books ive written while on this drug. sadly they are lost forever - the biggest fragment i have is of the general and priest arguing.

time to nod.

i would like to point out that i was on morphine this entire time, it just put me out at that point. also, most of the people i was referring to did end up coming through and contacting me on some level. everyone has their own way and time period. i was just surprised at the time. and on drugs. my mother keeps telling me all the things they told me i dont remember. so that entry sounds a lot more bitter then it should have in retrospect. nonetheless, there are some people who hurt my feelings pretty badly. time will tell…