'solition wave'

went to ameboa last night. had a 25 dollar gift certificate from my parents for my birthday to spend. course, i ended up spending way more than that. got the new james lavelle gu disc. 20 bucks, new. thats what i came for. but then i found the deep dish gu 25 discs, which had been eluding me (the regular mix, not the afterhours) used for 14. yoink. then i found the dave seaman gu 22 discs. used. 7 bucks. yoink again. all these were on my list of things i really wanted to pick up.

then they had the badorb comp, used for 9 (double disc import). i didnt know until i went into the hospital how much orb i listen to. its out of control. so, knowing im going back into the hospital…yoink. then finally, i found the new deadly avenger album, which is supposed to be pretty good for 3 bucks.

oops. i spent 40, after the gift certificate. but im all caught up on music - not bad, since i hadnt been to ameboa since…i dont know when. maybe even this entire semester. though, frankly, i have to order the starsailor 10″ from london now. (which i just did. and spent too much there too, but mainly because of the sucky exchange rate.)

last night i weighed 130, now its 128. still, i seem to be putting meat on my bones finally. carter too thinks the scale is wrong. even if it is, ive gained about 6 pounds since coming home. well, 4 to 6. so thats good. and i slept almost well last night. course, i still woke up every hour and a half, but i slept from 9.30 til 7.30. and im still a bit groggy. so thats a good step.

one last hospital post. i said there were 5, but the fifth doesnt count, so im not sharing. its not like you were counting anyway.

'no one gives a crap'

4/28/04
12.50pm

im in tears. the new streets cd hit me though im sure there are other (perhaps even better) reasons as to why i might be sad. i am so loved i cant handle it. it overwhelms me. i can count 7 flower arrangements, a stack of cards over an inch thick…im tearing up again.

everything i have ever known is different now. everything. 27 was the most difficult year of my life. and now things have changed forever. ill never view relationships, friends, people the same way again.

the 11th track on the new streets cd has lyrics like 'no one gives a crap about mikey thats why im acting nasty.' and thats the complete opposite of my life right now. so many people i take for granted - how can i ever make it up to you all? really.

its enough to make me want to fuck school and just love everyone who has been there for me.

the song talks about jeans being too tight, washed too much. tears flowed. im starting week 6 in the hospital. i cant even imagine normal life anymore. even wearing jeans.

'it was the end of something i didnt want to end, the beginning of hard times to come.'

i couldnt have made it without my parents, my sister, roxy and linda being there. its that simple. there were tons of others and i thank you all. but i want to thank them esp for being by my bedside and helping me improve. running errands, spending money for me and helping me get straight. course, that doesnt come close to the emotional support i got from them. i love you all.