so about 3 weeks ago, issue #3 of spider-man: reign came out. no big whoop, spider-man comics come out all the time.

reign #3 is awesome for a new reason:
the miniseries is about spider-man 35 years in the future. it is basically the dark knight returns for spider-man. all well and good. and, as is usually the case in future stories, mary jane is dead. not big news really.

except that in #3, we find out how she died.
and how is that?

from peter parker’s radioactive sperm.

i shit you not.

the review i read is lengthy and i can’t link directly to it, so i will quote it here:

SPIDER-MAN: REIGN #3: And now it’s time for this week’s “I seriously can’t believe that Marvel did that” moment. I’m very surprised that I’ve not seen more online outrage about the reveal, this issue, of what killed Mary Jane: Spider-Man’s cum. And for all of you who think I’m joking, here’s the dialogue from the book itself: “Oh God, I’m sorry! The doctors didn’t understand how it happened! How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was… I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me… loving me… Loving me killed you!”

Seriously, Marvel, WHAT THE FUCK? At what point did Spider-Man having radioactive sperm ever seem like a good idea? At what point did anyone even think about Spider-Man having radioactive sperm? Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this ever saw print, I cannot believe that no-one at Marvel thought that having a comic where Spider-Man tells the corpse of his wife – because, yeah, I meant to say that, he’s talking to the corpse of his dead wife – that he killed her with his special radioactive spider-spunk was ANYTHING that should ever be allowed to appear in a comic. And that’s before you even get to the continuation of his admission: “Like a spider, crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer… I killed you.”

Holy crap. To get an idea of the context of this scene, as he’s saying this, the corpse of his wife is trying to kiss him with some kind of demon tongue. I was so numbed by the idea that Marvel somehow thinks that this is a perfectly publishable idea – that showing Marvel’s #1 licensing jackpot, the same character that they put on all manner of kid products, the same character who’s probably going to have the highest-grossing movie of the year this year coming out at the same time as the collection of this series, as being responsible for the death of his wife (potentially strong story idea, possibility for tragedy, etc.) specifically because of his radioactive jism (somewhere between WTF and TMI, and reducing potentially strong story idea to cheap dirty joke and/or bad idea, and something that I feel is kind of offensive in ways that I can’t really explain) – that, later on, when the book does a very, very obvious 9/11 rip-off (“Bodies are falling! From the top of the building!” – They’re not bodies, they’re mini-Venoms, by the way), I was just bored. This book has gone from Dark Knight rip-off to car-crash embarrassment far too quickly. Ass, and, boy, does someone on the blog have to complain that Marvel really has no idea what to do with their own characters anymore every single week?

from the savage critic(s)

i found the pages mentioned after doing a little digging. here, so you can witness it for yourself, is the link to the mary jane pages of spider-man: reign #3

then, there is the whole civil war series. ive thrown up some parodies of it. basically, the series is about the heros fighting over whether they should be regulated by the government. it turns out that iron man and mr. fantastic and a few others are douchebags and side with the government and then hunt their friends. captain america believes that heroes should have the right blah blah.

its lame. mainly because its comics. there is no reason in the world the marvel universe has to obey the rules of the real world. who gives a crap about politics or how the fictional crowds would react to having superheros.

so captain america loses and basically gives up because he gets tackled by the 9/11 team and realizes he is out of touch with america. seriously. (if you need more context to this page, here you are.)

i’m also skipping over the part where hercules says to clone-android-thor: ‘i knew thor….thor was a friend of mine…and you know something imposter? thou art no thor!’ (and if you don’t understand the reference, here’s more context)

ok, so we got that bit of stupidity out of the way.

but then this week, captain america gets interviewed by people who are pointing out how ‘out of touch’ he is with the country he is supposed to be representing. seriously, click this. and realize these are real panels from a real comic book.

seriously. captain america is being asked about myspace.
seriously.

1. any answer from him would land him on ‘to catch a predator’. the dude was born in like 1935.
2. myspace is what it means to be american? that means, at least, roxy is unamerican.
3. if i were captain america, i wouldn’t put up with this shit. i’d go kick some nazi ass. because that is what he does.

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