'don't want to be caught'

it isn't a secret that i have been up and down about almost every aspect of my life the past month or two. my mood swings have been frustrating, as i swing from happy to depressed at the touch of a button. a couple of sentences, seeing someone, just thinking to much and — bam — i'm camping for a bit in depress-o land.

it isn't much fun there. i feel anxiety about feeling anxiety.

i've trapped myself. and every remedy i have discovered so far has only been a temporary fix; i am not willing to hop from one to another without tackling the root issues. good weekends have helped, but i can't and won't live for the weekend.

so i have been left to focus and concentrate, trying to repair and build upon my relationship with roxy, trying to find joy in my job (which isn't joyless, i just have had trouble truly finding my footing there), trying to complete projects and feel excited by them.

part of the up and down, i think, has come from further realizations about life. i spend time organizing my mp3s. and then wonder 'why am i doing this?' no one cares but me. i remind myself that it doesn't matter. but then, when i get down to it, not much will outlive me. not much will be with me the rest of my life.

see? i can drag this down to a base level of 'nothing in life has a point, other than living in the moment…' which immediately begs the question of why i go to work every day. its a cycle and not one i want to encourage my head to try and dwell upon.

(i'm listening to 'this means war' by busta rhymes. which appears to be 'iron man' with a rap over it.)

yeah, so. i figure that i've got this infrastructure, this site, where i can dump personal thoughts and feelings. so instead of links and silly comments, i ought to continue returning back to using this as a diary.

(the guy next to me on the train just had his red pen explode on his hand. suxors to him. also, this busta rhymes song isn't very good.)

how is your tuesday?