me and my flex sig

i don't really get the opportunity to talk about this stuff* anymore (thankfully), so i'm going to take advantage of it. so, yesterday, i had a flex sig. for those of you not in the know and too lazy to click a link to learn more: it's a camera on a little tube thing that goes up your ass.

it's awesome. if you're into that sort of thing.

me? i'm over it mostly and have been for years. i suppose i outgrew it at some point, like clubbing til 4am or smoking cloves.

but had one i did. because i hadn't had one since i was first diagnosed with colitis (6 years ago now), i didn't know what to expect. (that had been my only flex sig; however, i got the pleasure of no less than 4 colonoscopies in the interim.) a lot has changed down there for me and the absence of a large intestine certainly should impact the procedure. plus, there would be biopsies taken. the whole thing sounds pleasant; i'm sitting here now with a scrunched up face just thinking about how pleasant it is.

so i asked for sedation, which they usually don't do for flex sigs. but i have no desire to play hero anymore, to tough things out just because. plus: free drugs. also: i'm tired of cameras up my ass.

but i get in there, after fasting for almost 24 hours, after drinking a (small amount of) liquid to flush you out (10 oz! way better than the gallon needed for a colonscopy) and 2 enemas — clearly the highlight — i let the nurse talk e out of sedation. by the time i was there, i really didn't care. my request for sedation wasn't from worry or fear or even pain; the request was more to skip over the entire episode and just get it over with.

but no sedation. the nurse offered lidocaine gel to minimize the unpleasantness. (lidocaine is a numbing agent that appears everywhere. this, it seems, includes a gel for one's asshole.) the humor began when my doctor said, "this might be uncomfortable. it's my finger."

hm, yes. it was her finger. (and that, dear reader, is what i did yesterday. i had a woman's finger up my ass. what was your highlight?)

and then the finger was out and the camera was in. and then the nurse offered the gel. my doctor responded with, "it's too late for that."

right then. looking forward to it.

so for 10 or 15 minutes, they probed my intestine. about 5 minutes in, i get my glasses back. i'm facing the monitor with the video feed and want to watch. i can't begin to explain how odd it was to be on my side, on a bed, with people doing and saying things behind me — while watching my insides on a tv in front of me. it was some kind of out of body experience.

the really odd part came a couple of times when they would do something — shifting the camera, taking a biopsy — and i was watching it on tv at the same time i could feel it inside of myself. it is almost making me giggle to think about it now, surreal in a way i have never considered.

it turns out, i believe, that your intestines work in a way i'd never considered. they don't pulse, but they act almost like a worm. smooth and straight for a moment, then contracting like a worm, until the walls look like a brain, the skin all folded and wrinkled. and repeat, but not as a pulse, not in any clear rhythm. this is how my body seems to work. it was fascinating to watch my own insides — and that made not being knocked out worth it.

afterwards, i found out they went about 18 inches into me. way farther than i expected or would have guessed. i'm tough. clearly.

afterwards also, i flirted with one of the nurses. not one of the ones who had been in on the procedure, but still. i was mildly horrified with myself, but i figured it was one way of dealing with the entire thing. as i left, i made sure to thank everyone and say, "we'll have to do this again sometime." they laughed.

i went home, felt like crap (pun not intended) and feel asleep by 9.30. i think the lack of food for 20 hours screwed me up. in the end, skipping sedation didn't really buy me a better evening. but at least i'll get pictures in january. it wasn't painful either, which is good to note for the future.

also, everything looks fine — this was my 'once a year checkup.'

* i really ought to sit down and tag all these posts under 'colitis' instead of just a search for it.