'billy the kid was a left handed gun'

Written on March 12th. Held until things became a bit more clear…

I'm typing this knowing it might be thrown away. But you're reading it, which means it wasn't. Congrats.

Roxy, after a long string of success, didn't get into Berkeley. She got in loads of other places, but not in our backyard. This, obviously, creates some complications. Her top choices are on the East Coast. And I'm at a loss. I know all the options here; I know all the variations, choices, decisions.

And not a one is good.

The most likely choice means I stay here, she goes. Two years.

I can't really process this. I'm sitting here on the train, thinking about options, thinking about time, communication, even my budget. You don't live with someone for 2.5 years and then look forward to taking that step backwards.

I know she is beside herself. I'm not doing much better, though I get the (oft-worn these days) pleasure of wearing the objective hat as well as the subjective cap. I play her personal cheerleader, letting her know everything will be fine. And, at the same time, I get to deal with my own freak-outs and insecurities and worries. It's that second cap that doesn't get to be worn around her terribly often, lest I somehow discourage her or have her begin thinking that being with me takes complete precedence over getting a degree she totally and completely wants.

Of course, this is some form of belly-aching. The schools she has to choose from are prestigious and excellent. I've already joked that she and my sister will shortly be showing me up. It all could be much worse, it always could. But right now, that's a small consolation.

How is this going to impact our relationship?

And equally frustrating is that this is all 5 months off. We have 5 months now to stare down that barrel, to freak ourselves out, to make ourselves sick. I want to make the most of the time; it's suddenly like we are on borrowed time.

And thinking that made me smile. It made me smile because it reminds me of how I felt after being sick — we are all on borrowed time. And change is good. And necessary. And, in the end, it will all work out.

I know Chris Davis did it for years, Seattle to NYC. I already know there are non-stop flights from San Jose to the 2 cities she is looking into.

How badly do I want her? Badly enough to find some way to make this work. And to keep growing in every positive way I can think of.

And, to be honest, I had my fears about her staying here as well. 1 grad student + 1 person working 9-5 does not make the easiest schedule. Whether she was here or not, I would be putting my life on hold in some way anyway.

Sigh.

It's going to be ok. I just don't want to feel the stress.