I'm rocking the Burial album "Untrue" this morning for the 100th time. It might not be your cup of tea (let's say its downtempo ambient dubstep, as if such a thing exists [hint: it doesn't]), but it feels right this morning. The sun is hazy, the sky is filled with smoke. The fires all around here keep burning. Outside smells like smoke.

I'm sad this morning and I don't really know why. I was sad last night, too, so I'm sure some of it is residual.

I spoke to Petunia the other day about her trip out here. Then we deviated a bit and spoke about Rachael heading off to Harvard in August. She said that I hadn't posted much about it on here, which I suppose is semi-true. But the whole topic isn't one I have been super thrilled with typing about and it's not something I feel like is anyone else's business.

But I realized yesterday that I haven't typed up many personal stories in a while. All of my drama with R happens between us now and I don't often feel the need to type it up as a way of working through it.

Most of my feelings these days revolve around my relationship with her and the future, which is a terrible place to be. I've heard everyone's assurances and condolences. Which is all the more reason not to discuss it — I don't believe anyone can add much to the dialogue in my head. I don't believe she and I are approaching this all in an optimal way; there are days where things are perfect, followed by days of stress and tenseness that totally freak me out. Neither of us are standing on firm enough ground to be able to offer the other the perfect support we would like. Which just ends up freaking each of us out in other ways. The fun never stops!

So yeah, I'm trying not to think too much about the future, trying not to let it crush me or wear me down. And that's going pretty well mostly. But just juggling the day-to-day has become more difficult. I didn't realize the amount of stress this would cause — we are still 8 weeks off.

It'll work out, everything always does. But at the moment I'm not enjoying the journey quite so much.